Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Turning Point, Boob Sightings and Save the Children

While on the phone yesterday with my dear mama she said "Debala (that's what she calls me - it's a cross between a Hebrew name and an Indian name - "De" stemming from De-borah and "Bala" from the Indian Word Bala: Meaning "licky boy"), mark my words tomorrow will be a better day.....a turning point for you". I listened to her words but as usual didn't believe that I could ever feel better while feeling this lousy.

The thought of the phrase "feeling better" takes me back to my pregnant days. Don't ask me why I am associating a head cold with pregnancy but just listen for a second. When I was first diagnosed with "pregnancy" (carrying FO) I was both elated and nauseated.....for exactly nine months. What I heard everyday from the "experts" was this......."don't will pass...tomorrow will be a turning point for you"........Pass? I don't think so. The World Smelled. It smelled like things that no man has ever smelled before. My heightened sense of smell could have secured me a new career in psychic/mental telepathy. I became an expert in playing "what's inside the package, the cupboard, the fridge, the garage, the neighbours kitchen...".

If you blindfolded me and placed a box of KD (Kraft Dinner) in front of my face I could tell you it was KD. If I walked down the aisles of a supermarket I didn't need to look up at the signs to find the foods I needed.....I could smell them. Search and smell. Like a sight impaired person I could feel my way around with my nose. Hell, I could have worked at the airport for nine months sniffing suitcases....just me and the German Shepards.

Okay, so what's my point? The feeling of being sick for an endless amount of time translates to how I felt yesterday.....will this cold mimic a pregnancy and last for nine months? No. But when will I start feeling like me again? I don't know.

I continued my day in my nest - tucked under the covers and onwards to the 6th day of watching endless shows on the tube. I have watched 32 births, 20 weddings, 8 Divorce Courts, 16 makeovers, 12 interventions, 28 ways to cook a chicken, 4 ways to become a BBQ Pitmaster, how to be a Rich Bride, how to be a Poor Bride, how to lose 10 pounds in two weeks, how to survive in the wilderness when you crash in your single engine plane, how to excavate your basement and rewire your electrical circuits without killing yourself, how to pour concrete without making a mess, how to bake a cake that looks like a Rhinosauraus ( *note to self - try that one for Steves next birthday), infomercials, commercials, rehearsals, role reversals and finally how to become an expert Ghost Hunter in your home.

As you can see some of my favorite shows are usually on SLICE, TLC or the FOOD NETWORK and what I discovered yesterday was this........their commercial sponsors have changed recently. They are now airing "heart wrenching" ones the likes of "Child Fund", "OSPCA" and "World Vision". Are you getting my drift?

As I lie around waiting for Rachel Ray to finish cooking her 30 minute meal with her stinkin EVOO and a hundred other ingredients that would take me more than two hours to find in the grocery store let alone cook with..... I am crying. Why? Here's why.... I want to adopt a multitude of children from Nigeria. I want to BE Angelina Jolie but without the big lips, maybe a little fuller but not stupid like hers. I want to give a home to the shleppie looking dog that has actual, yes actual real tears pouring down its sad little face. I want to rescue the kitten with one eye and a half a leg. I want to go to Africa and run free with the skinny children who are staring at me from my Sony Bravia 32 inch flat screen (which I bought on Boxing Day for a great price).  THEY are calling me.......they are all reaching out to me today because they know I am watching....watching and blowing my nose not only from the gallon of snu that still resides inside my head but also from the shear emotion of seeing them looking at me in my nice comfy bed.....OMG... I need to get out of here. I need to go beyond channel 34, 35, 37 and 52 on Rogers Cable TV. Get me out ! ( by the way did you know that crying loosens the mucous in your sinuses?'s better than Otrivin)

and then.....last night after mixing the concoction of the drug related paraphernalia that I have now become addicted to.......I actually slept by the semi-hour. How does one take as many cold related medicines and still wake up? Not sure, but I think it's related to my newly appointed position as Chair of the Peri-Menopausal Board of Directors. Here's the usual chain of events. I go to bed at 11:30 ish. I do the wedding dress designing thing for a few and then...

I think I fall asleep. Why I say I think I fall asleep is this.....I think I am sleeping but I am really awake because I am aware of my surroundings. I know that Steve is making noise from one of his orfaces, I know that one of the kittens is on the bed chasing an imaginary mouse and I know that I have to pee. I also know that I am now sweating and freezing at the same time and my covers are off certain body part areas only. I then get up......walk to the bathroom and as a result of my constant tossing and turning notice that my cute little tank top ( that I got on sale at La Senza for $5.99 at the Outlet) has moved over to the left releasing .....yes......the right boob. I yank my tank over and cover up because now I am in full freeze mode and not sweating to the washroom for a few squirts of Life Brand fake nasal spray.....(yes, I should have had YO buy more REAL Otrivin but as I said we already had a large one which Steve managed to use most of during his recent illness). I pee, blow my nose and then need to wash my hands.......which I now cannot do because Miss Kitty is in the sink. Don't ask me why she loves sitting in the sink. I believe it is just to aggravate me. If you don't believe me here is proof in the embedded photo.

This routine goes on for the balance of the night. Semi-conscious sleep, sweat, freeze, boob sighting, bladder disfunction, stuffed nose, cat in the sink and back to bed.

Miracuously, I awoke to find that not only was it 9:45 a.m. but I was actually feeling like the turning point could be a reality. I hate to admit it but I never had that shower that I desparately needed yesterday due to "Steve's crash test dummy episode". After spending two days in the same clothing I thought it was time to get cleaned up. I am currently on BOX 6 but I am slowing down on Kleenex consumption so that's a good sign. Today should be a better day with the exception of my current new side effect of consistent nose blowing......I am now deaf in both ears. I can't hear anything except the muffled sound of the keys on my laptop as I write this. It's kinda serene, like being underwater. I have switched the TV to closed captioning so I can read what I am watching because I can't hear it. I am learning to live with the silence and I like it.

No comments:

Post a Comment