Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Olympic Contender - Freestyle Division

Great news folks! I just got word that I have officially qualified for the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver! I am looking forward to representing Canada in the sport of Freestyle Falling. Yes, you heard me. It's a fairly new sport in the Olympics but people have been doing it for years. Falling is an intricate sport that takes little or no concentration. I have been training since I began to walk at the age of 10 months. To be honest I believe my parents thought I was always gifted in this field but never pushed me hard enough. In order to qualify for the Olympics you must complete a series of difficult falls and master the art of surviving them. I am proud to say that the bulk of my teammates are expert fallers as well. I am the youngest on the team. The majority of the athletes in this sport are well into their 80's and have the advantage of new hips. So I bet you are wondering how it is that I managed to get myself a spot on the team? Well, it's like this...over the years I have had some really good falls. I fall off things. I fall under things. I fall out of things. I fall with no underlying circumstances. I fall wearing flats. I fall wearing heels. I fall from bare feet. I fall UP the stairs. I fall DOWN the stairs. I fall wearing wheels and sometimes riding wheels. Here's a list of my most famous falls. Unfortunately none have been video recorded otherwise you could see for yourself that I am a superior faller.

FALL number 1 - A classic fall that stemmed from wearing new rubber beach shoes with a kitten heel. I was rounding the corner on my front porch and caught the kitten heel in one of the many cracks that we have on the interlocking - Result of fall? Minor fracture to my "swear finger".

FALL number 2 - Also a classic. When rollerblading with Steve my first time out I fell backwards and into his big strong arms without hitting my head on the ground. It was actually accomplished quite elegantly - do they have synchronized rollerblading as a sport?

FALL number 3 - Bought two pairs of Faux Uggs. Do you know what those are? They are the cute but kinda ugly suede boots that all the teeny boppers wear in the Winter. I felt it necessary to purchase two pairs because they were on sale - buy one get the other half price. Basically you get what you pay for...and that is... when you buy FUGGS they are not equipped with treads on the bottom. They should come with a fineprint caution sticker that says "falls may occur when wearing FUGGS don't be a cheap ass and buy the real thing". So I wore a pair to work the first day back after I recovered from the plague. I parked my car and placed both feet out on the ground - then proceeded to slide into the parking lot while the balance of my upper body remained in the car. Are you picturing this? Feet, legs and ass in the lot - upper torso in the car gripping the steering wheel....Today's Menu: a semi-slip and fall with a slide of FUGGS.

FALL number 4 - Last night - the ultimate fall occured. This was the fall that clinched the place on the O-Team. I was in the middle of taking a message off my voicemail at home and was standing near my bed. YO and Steve were in the room. YO asked me to help him with an assignment for school. I was in the middle of multi-tasking (listening to YO, listening to messages) when from nowhere an act of G-d occured. I slipped off my feet, hit the end of my bed, did a triple axel in the air, bounced off the bed and landed on the cat's basket and then onto the floor. YO and Steve rushed to my side to see if I was conscious. I was a bit dazed but that was nothing unusal, however I did suffer a minor injury and was experiencing an uncontrolable urge to laugh. The laughing mimicked crying because there were tears rolling down my face. I fooled YO and Steve into thinking it was crying but for some reason they started laughing too. I think this was the point where I realized that I was still alive, nothing was broken, my child and husband were not very compassionate relatives and most importantly I had made it to the Olympics in the FF category (freestyle falling). As YO and Steve stood over me still laughing at my expense... I discovered I banged my wrist good and hard on the kitty basket and it was starting to swell and bruise. I was quickly transferred to the trauma unit in the kitchen where Dr. Stevens assessed the severity of the injury. The ER team (which was just him and some Glad Sandwich Ziplocs) made me a tourniquet from a bag of ice, and old dish towel and a gold elastic band with a red bow that came with the proscuitto (remember the buy one get one free deal at Longo's?) Emergency response time? - too long due to the laughing.

After I was released from the trauma unit, Dr. Stevens proceeded to make HIMSELF a tea to relax while I went upstairs where YO remained at the scene of the accident (still laughing). He was so kind to create a complete reinactment of the fall. He actually executed the fall better then I did with an instant SLOW MOTION replay. My thoughts turned to YO possibly qualifying for the Freestyle Falling team but he's finally in University now so we are not letting him miss that for the Olympics. With the tourniquet tied tightly I was still able to go down to the laundry room to finish hanging up some wet clothes from the washing machine with one hand. That's when Dr. Stevens came into the room to see if I was making a good recovery and also reinact the whole scene of the fall once again. He showed me each move gracefully and as he turned to do the triple axel he accidently spinned out of control and landed on the large garbage receptacle crashing to the ground hitting one of his many injuries that has prevented him from also going to the Olympics in twenty ten. I picked him up with my remaining functioning arm and then released the proscuitto red ribbon banded dishrag tourniquet to see if I was healed yet. Not sure what I am made out of but only elite athletes such as I must bounce back so quickly because my wrist was looking prettaaay prettaay good. I'm so excited that the ice worked so well - I am leaving for B.C. next week to get a head start on my next fall.

WISH ME LUCK CUZ...I'm bringin home the gold baby !

1 comment:

  1. If you keep this up I am definately buying depends!! Romcui