Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Dental tips, Chapped Lips and Hamburger Coats with Stinkaladas

OOPS ! My apologies for not writing a blog since the weekend....I had some valid reasons...let's see if you can accept them.

1. I do work for a living

2. I usually blog when I am home sick (but I will try to do it when I'm well)

3. I was at the dentist

4. I was trying out new recipes on unsuspecting victims who I have given birth to

5. My lips are really chapped

So let’s talk about the dentist first. Just to give you some background in case you didn't know.... my first job was in the field of dentistry. I then turned to a career in the world of municipal government. Basically, I have gone from sucking spit to taking shit in my lifetime. So listen....who out there LUVS going to the dentist? Who likes getting their teeth poked and prodded with a small stick? Who likes having grains of sand from polish stuck in their teeth?  Who likes the sound of nails scraping down a blackboard? Who likes having those cardboard xrays placed in their mouths? WHO likes having jackhammers drill into their enamel !! Not me! I am more than likely one of the few people on earth that didn’t have cavities until my late years. SO LUCKY! I think I now have 2 fillings the size of a sesame seed. A Ripleys Believe it or Not moment wouldn’t you say? So on Monday I went for my 6 month check-up.  I decided to forgo my usual flouride trays that are normally reserved for a 3 year old and do the "big girl" version of swishing and spitting for 2 minutes. Our hygenist WHO we love was so proud of me. She even mentioned that I'm finally behaving like a grown up person! Let me just say that these were TWO of the longest minutes of my life. I think the clock is broken in that office. I began feeling really PUKE ISH...….and I was starting to miss the pediatric flouride tray experience. I love having the sensation of the foam drip out of  the corners of my mouth like a rabid dog. Next time. So after rinsing and spitting and gagging on bitewing x-rays the diagnosis by Dr. B was that I had a “sticky tooth”. What’s a “sticky tooth” you ask? Well…it’s a tooth  that is neither here nor there with a cavity. Coles Notes Version: The sharp stick was getting stuck in the sticky tooth. I had a tiny cavity that required a tiny filling. In my mind...tiny filling translates to tiny discomfort. I chose to have my tooth drilled and filled on the spot as I am an on the spot type of person. Off I went into the next room - the room with the big needles and drills....I ask the doc if it's okay to do the filling without freezing. Yes, along with being on the spot I am also a "without freezing and without sedation" type of gal too. Ask Steve "the Competitor". Thanks to me he now has to attempt his next colonoscopy without sedation. Ah how I love competition. Yes folks. Try that procedure without sedation. It's not that bad actually. Imagine the garden hose you have outside being gently guided up your bum and way way way up just to have a "looksee". Wild Water Kingdom kind of fun ! So back to the filling. The doc asks if it's alright to place a rubber dam on my tooth. Being a virtual "cavity virgin" I say "Ya! Go for it"!

Have you ever had a rubber dam on your tooth? It is exactly the same as having a POOL COVER placed on your face. As I am still feeling the remnants of the plague my breathing passages are not exactly wide open.  At that point I am being suffocated by the dam "dam" so I start doing lamaze breathing exercises and designing wedding gowns. What? I can do both to relax ya know. Again the longest few minutes of my life....but I emerge drilled, filled, almost killed and less than thrilled....

The plus side of not having freezing is - I COULD eat right away. You know how I don't like missing meals so this is crucial for me. I was also eager to make up for the "forgettable" dinner I made on Sunday night. Being stuck at home for 2 weeks I managed to grab a few recipes off the FOODNETWORK to try on the boys. One of the creations was courtesy of Guy Fieri. He's the dude with the flashy blonde spiked hair that goes to all the Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Steve and I watch that show with the hopes of one day eating ourselves into oblivion doing a cross country trip to all these places....or maybe not. So tonight we are making "coated stuffed burgers". Sound good? Well here's the story before you ask for the recipe. First of all burgers should not wear coats and secondly, burgers should not be stuffed unless you are prepared to cook them for at least 4 hours. Needless to say ....I kept checking on the children at hourly intervals to see if they were showing any signs of stomach distress. I was not going to give up on the Food Network just because of failed hamburgers but I am considering dying my hair Platinum Blonde, spiking it and wearing a bowling shirt while cooking. Perhaps the secret to making his recipes is "you have to play the part before you start" kind of deal? 

Next concoction was courtesy of everyone's favorite Foodnetwork squealer.....Rachel Ray! I still have a bit of a scratchy voice so I am prepped to take on the pseudo role of being as irritating as her. She can make fabulous meals in only thirty minutes! How can that be? Oh...yes...let me tell you. When you have a show on the food channel and you have the luxury of all these little sous chefs running around washing, slicing, dicing, chopping and cutting before they say "Lights! Camera! Action!".... that is how you make a meal in 30 minutes.... with commercials. Rachel is a con artist. Those meals are not 30 minutes. The Chicken Stinkaladas that I made took 2 hours to prepare and serve. I think Rachel should seriously consider changing the name of her show to - Rachel Ray - Sham? Wow ! Oh and who puts cinnamon in Enchiladas? Yuck OH.

I want to share a secret remedy with all of you. Lately I have been experiencing the worst case of chapped lips in Winter history. I have tried everything from Chapstick to Burts Bees. Yesterday I discovered a magical solution. Let's go back to my colonoscopy shall we? The Tushie Doctor (as I refer to him) gave me a prescription for a petroluem based ointment for .....let's just say "a slight irritation I have in Australia (down under)". I'm finding it quite bothersome to apply this crap and I accidently on purpose forget to do this on a daily basis. Since I haven't "double dipped" into the jar of ointment I figured "what the heck". Let's try it on my lips! Well guess what? I have the smoothest lips this side of the Mississippi. Don't believe me? You can bet your sweet ass I do!

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