This can get quite confusing but Steve has an array of “tensors” and "braces" to ensure that he can still enjoy getting injured while he protects his currently wounded body parts.
I “Googled” the act of playing the game of squash and it is defined as follows:
1. Squash is played between two individual (singles) or two teams of two (doubles) on a Squash Court.
2. One player serves to start a rally which proceeds until one player hits the ball out or down or fails to hit the ball before it has bounced twice.
3. Squash can be played using a couple of scoring options, traditional scoring and point a rally scoring.
4. Squash Players having a social game can modify the rules to their own requirements.
This is what transpires during the game of squash played between my husband and his “gym” friends:
2. Walk into the squash court and close the door
3. Hit the ball and try to aim for each others exposed flesh
4. Run sideways a million times, crash to the ground and bleed
5. Try to get up from the floor
6. Try to see your partners serve through your protective eye gear while shvitzing (sweating) like a pig
7. Run sideways a million more times and crash into a wall while stopping yourself with your hand.
8. BLEED AGAIN
9. Yell obsenities when your partner hits you in the head with a small missile-like object
10. FALL down again
11. Game over
12. Limp up the stairs to the main fitness area
13. Stop limping when you see your wife working out in the main fitness area
14. Walk into the changeroom and fall down again
15. Limp around the changeroom after you shvitz like a pig again in the steamroom
16. Try to lean on the shower wall to keep yourself upright
17. Try to bend over to put on your socks and shoes
18. Limp around again
19. Walk out to the main gym area without a limp
20. Drive home
21. Fall down again onto the couch
22. Ask your wife to pull you up off the couch to have your next meal
23. Game over….again.
This is where the story gets good. Over the past year it has come to Steve’s attention that he can’t GET UP anymore. When he is sitting, he can’t GET UP. When he is bending he can’t GET UP. When he’s lying down he CAN’T GET UP. So what’s the point? When you can’t GET UP anymore you required to repair the problem. After a series of medical appointments with a variety of physicians and a pot pourri of tests – Radiographs, Ultrasounds, MRI’S, CSI’s etc., conclusive evidence pointed to – a torn meniscus, which in laymen’s terms means a piece of torn cartilage in his knee.
When I returned I parked my car in the lot where you must purchase a ticket from those idiotic automated machines. Simple enough eh? Why is it that I always have issues with automated devices? Here's what tranpired.
- I put my credit card in the machine
- it popped out
- I put it in again
- it popped out again
- there was a message flashing on the machine screen
- "Card not accepted - Unreadable"
- I look at the instructions on the machine
- "place card in this way with strip facing down"
- I put the card in with the strip facing down
- the card popped out........AGAIN!
- just as I was about to start "fist banging" the machine an elderly gentleman in a safari hat walked past me and simply said "out of order"
- Then I went to the next machine on the opposite side of the parking lot and tried again.
- I put the card in
- It popped out
- I put the card in again
- It popped out again
- I checked the strip ....it was to the bottom right side down
- I put the card in......and it said
I was really happy to see him alive...albeit slightly stoned on morphine. I gave him gingerale with a straw and asked him how he was feeling....he looked up at me cross-eyed and asked if I could possibly fish out his Iphone from the gross plastic hospital bag that housed his personal belongings. .... It wasn't 3 minutes after they wheeled him into room 282 that he needed to make a business phone call in his current drugged state of mind ....what happened to the days when you were not allowed to use a cellphone in a hospital? Once he finished his gingie and the phonecall the nurse asked him to get dressed. Wow...that was fast. Drugs, surgery, recovery, gingerale and out ya go in less than 2 hours.
I went to get the car and waited for the hospital orderly to wheel Steve from Room 282 to the curb. Once I saw Steve emerge from the emerg exit, I carefully threw him into the car and off we went. And then my main concern was PUKE. I was hoping that he wouldn’t. Especially in my car. Before I returned to pick Steve up I made a pit stop at Fortino’s. I bought some chips, gingerale and some banana’s for the ride home. Don’t ask me why I bought bananas. The real reason was not to subside Steve’s possible urge to barf…..it was because Steve has an issue with bananas. He rations them. If I need a half a banana a day for my cereal and only use one and a half bananas during the week, I usually freeze all my leftover dead banana halves for future baking uses. What am I getting at? Oh yes, my banana ration for the week was depleted ahead of schedule so I needed bananas. Oh my G-d. What does this have to do with Steve’s surgery? Yes ….I know….I was thinking that IF Steve was sequestered to the house for the next few days and needed my assistance I would not be able to have a banana. That’s my point.
Since he was in post-surgical state I didn’t want to make my usual comment which is…. “WHY YOU ARE WATCHING THAT STUPID MOVIE AGAIN! …DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO….THIS IS NOT NORMAL”.
Instead I let him be in peace…..and continued on my merry way into the kitchen to prepare his ice pack for his knee. The hospital released him with a two page list of instructions and a prescription for some heavy duty pain meds. On the list were a multitude of things to do and not to do. Amongst them were:
• Soft diet to start
• Do not remove the tensor bandage for 48 hours
• Take it easy for 72 hours
• Do not get the incision wet
Very simple to follow... if you're not Steve.
Here was his plan.......
• Soft diet to start – Steve ate Pizza and Salad
• Do not remove tensor bandage for 48 hours – Steve removed the bandage to examine the surgical site within 48 seconds
• Take it easy for 72 hours – Steve went to work and to the gym the next day
• Do not get the incision wet – Steve showered with a strap-on Longos Bag the next morning
Was there a point to giving Steve a list to follow? Does he ever follow instructions included in a box? No.
The only issue he had the next morning was trying to put his socks on. For this task he needed my help. Here's something else you may not know about me. I have a thing for feet. I don’t like them. I know they help you walk and all but feet are not one of my favorite body parts. I would sooner come face to face with an armpit than a foot. It was on the morning of April 21, 2010 that I was presented with “the foot” and had no choice but to tend to it. I tried not to think about “the foot” and struggled to get “the foot” inside “the sock”. Don’t get me wrong…..Steve has nice feet. They are always groomed and don’t stink but I don’t care…….it’s still a foot. I tried my best not to gag……but as I was putting “the foot” inside “the sock” I noticed I was making Ew! Ew! Ew! noises……
I am happy to say that I only needed to put the sock on the FOOT once. The next day …..Steve managed himself ….most likely because he didn’t want any further “foot drama”.
And then Steve watched TOP GUN again 4 times within a week between the convalescing and not following the list….a perfect end to a successful procedure. Stay tuned....his wrist is bothering him now.