Saturday, January 9, 2010

Bagels and Bumpers are Two for the Price of one

So I am sitting here waiting for my twister bagel because it's Saturday and we have hot bagels on Saturday. Still stationed in my bed I am about to go in for a shower so that I am clean for the arrival of my bagel. The usual chain of events on a typical Saturday is as follows: Gym, Groceries, Bagels. As you know today was different. I have been infected with the world's longest cold so there would be no Gym today. In fact, the gym hasn't seen me for over a week now and I am starting to congeal. Mr. Rhinoviruscarrier could go because now that he has passed his demons on to me he was strong enough to exercise today.

As I am lying here looking at the canopy above my head which needs to be taken down and washed on a yearly basis but never does....... I hear a LOUD HORN and a CRASH outside. I have a feeling it's Steve. I jump out of bed, run down to my front window which is new by the way.... a lovely Bay with no curtains. I like the "no curtain" look because it makes me think I live in lower Forest know what I mean don't you? All the large mansions in Forest Hill have no curtains on their front windows so that when US peasants drive by we can gawk at all the interior design concepts of their homes. My youngest "YO" hates the "no curtain" scenario. It "sketches" him out. He wants curtains. Everyday he asks for curtains. I don't want them.

Oh! Let's get back to the crash. I'm running down the stairs........a little loopy because I had a just downed a NIGHTIME NEO CITRAN in the morning. What? Can't you take that stuff during the day? I am not operating any heavy machinery at the moment so I thought it might be an idea to get a head start on my overdosing habits early. All I can think of is this....

1. Steve's home
2. He has my bagel
3. He has crashed into something
4. Someone crashed into him
5. Somone crashed into FO's car
6. Something crashed
7. My bagel has been involved in a motor vehicle collision

I peek out the window to the left.....FO's car is intact. I look to the right and there's Steve's car intertwined with a BMW which is owned and operated by the very polite Oriental family across the street. Rewind to 2008. I am driving home from work one night and making my way up the street to our house. Suddenly a familiar BMW backs out of the opposing driveway, nearly sideswipes me and being the quick reflexed thinker that I am....I yank my steering wheel to avoid the NAR (Translation: stemming from the word Narishkeit - a yiddish word for Silly thing but can be used in describing a FOOL) and end up on our front lawn narrowly missing the large maple tree that sheds an obnoxious amount of leaves each year on our property. The BMW then just leaves without even an apology. A "near miss and run almost collision". Shaken and really mad I make my way into the house to inform my husband of the occurence. He then makes his way across the street to give the father of the BMW owner a "talking to". Please keep in mind that these are nice folks. We have nice neighbours. They just can't drive.

When I made my conclusive analysis that Steve was still alive and it looked like his front bumper was the only issue I was wondering how long it would be before I saw my bagel. Drugged and hungry I waited. Steve came in looking a bit frazzled. I didn't inquire about my bagel. I did what any good wife would do. "Are you okay Sweetheart"?, I asked. "Yes, I'm fine", he answered.

So....where's my bagel?

Rewind again to four weeks ago. Scene is set. Parking lot somewhere in Mississauga. Date and time not important. Scene one: Steve comes out of a suppliers store. Scene Two: Witness stops Steve. Scene three: Steve is informed that he has been involved in a "hit and run". Scene four: Steve didn't know he was involved in anything because he wasn't in his car. Scene five: Steve is given the licence, decription and make and model of the vehicle that hit him and ran. Scene Six: Steve also is given the name on the side of the company car that hit and ran him. Scene seven: Steve calls the company that owns the car that hit and ran him. Scene eight: Steve get's the run around with company owner and basically has to resort to a police report. Scene nine: Police are involved. Scene ten: back bumper needs fixin. Scene eleven: Fast forward to today. Final Scene: Front bumper now needs fixin.

Total cost of all fixins.....a few grand........
Bagels and eggs....much cheaper....

Now we move on the grocery order for today. Each week Steve goes to Longos.....ALONE. Each week he asks me if I need anything. He won't let me go with him because I don't shop well. I buy things we don't need but are cool to have. That being said I ask for only two things today. My blueberries and more KLEENEX. Simple yes? Longos is a grocery store that is placed in a moderate to high end supermarket category. Basically their prices are stupid but the store is lovely to shop in. They have wonderful produce and from time to time they have specials that are not too shabby. Each week the local newspaper has flyer inserts. Steve waits on the driveway for this paper to arrive. It's his fave. He scours the flyers looking for the weekly specials, coupons and where to get the best deals on various items. Technically speaking, these are my flyers. My house. My flyers. Don't touch. Since I love Steve I let him touch my flyers BUT only because I am nice. So this week Longos has their TWO FOR ONE SALE. You basically get two items for the price of one. Buy one get one free or as I like to call it BOGO. BOGO only comes around once every few months and when it does Steve gets really excited. "LOOK !" "Its two for one! It's two for one", says Steve. I look at the flyer. I see that there is nothing I would really want ONE of let alone TWO of. So after this mornings buy one get one bumper free incident - the groceries are unpacked and stacked on the table. I examine the goods. Here's what we have:
2 Boxes of Shreddies ( which nobody eats )

2 Packages of Prosciutto ( which nobody knows how to pronounce but may eat)

2 cans of tomato paste ( which will be useful one day in spaghetti sauce)

2 packages of Royale toilet paper ( which everyone will use except for me because I am allergic to real toilet paper - yes, you heard what I said - I can only use recycled, no chemical Life Brand which never goes on sale and feels like you are wiping your butt with cardboard)

2 packages of White Swan Paper Towel ( which I will use because I have a paper towel addiction and I can never have enough paper towel in the house - in fact I get very upset when we are down to two rolls and there is no backup - is there a rehab program for paper towel addiction? PTA)

2 large containers of Peach Source Yogurt ( which Steve, YO and MO might eat)

2 Loaf cakes - one marble one banana (FO will eat the marble, MO will eat the banana and YO doesn't like cake)

So now I am putting away the NOAH'S ARK products in their respective storage places and I ask "where's my kleenex'? Steve looks at me and says "they didn't have them two for one"
CNN Breaking News Report: Due to the fact that KLEENEX is not on the two for one sale woman resorts to blowing her nose in BOGO PAPER TOWEL.....for this and other breaking news please stay tuned.

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