Friday, January 8, 2010

AHCHOO and other falsehood remedies

So, I'm finally starting my blog. Why did it take so long to start? I dunno. I have been caught up in other things and twenty ten is going to be the year that I finally sit down and write. Past stories, new stories and stories you probably won't even care about. How about we start with the common cold story. The common cold that I am sitting here trying to get rid of for over a week now. Here's some background info. on how I take care of myself pre-cold virus attack. I excerise, eat well, stuff myself with potions and vitamins and oodles of antioxidants to boost my immune system. Invincible yes? No. Why? Because when the common cold germ invades your breathing space you are basically screwed. Why? Because... that's why. Let me tell you about my other half and you can try to figure out why I am sitting here in bed for over 6 days, amongst 362 used 3 ply kleenex and enough Green Tea with lemon to float a boat. Steve is my source for many things. One of them is entertainment the other is well ....let me go on....
He walks in thru the door last week and has no voice. Ok. Not all of his voice is gone. Just some. "Do you have a cold dear", I ask? "no, why" he says? "Because I can hear it in your throat", I say. "there is nothing in my throat, I have allergies, must be the dust", he answers. Big Lie! I yell. Big Lie! At this point he gets annoyed but I still insist that he is sick. When he refuses to "believe" that he can actually be carrying the Rhinovirus I just back away, search for my garlic necklace and say "let's see how you are tomorrow". Tomorrow comes and guess what? He is sicker than sick and is seriously causing me to think that his every breath is a visual collage of red, green and yellow angry looking little aliens waiting to infest my ears, nose and throat.

I'm also still thinking that just because he is sick doesn't mean that I am going to get this....well? An example of my "invincibilness"....Last week, in my spin class I sat next to a woman who had the same colorful aliens seeping out of her nostrils. RIGHT NEXT TO HER! She looked over at me and apologised for being a "carrier" and then APOLOGISED again for throwing her snot infested tissues all around her while she was cycling. What kind of shit is that? Last time I looked this was a Power Cycle and Abs class not a Power Sneeze and Throw your Dirty Kleenex on the Floor class. OMG. Anyway, back to the homefront. Here's the scenario. I wake up chipper as can be the next day (post Steve Cold Denial). He is sound asleep on a Saturday morning and ya know what that means? Oh maybe, yes maybe, he has a COLD !! So I trot off to the gym full of energy and feeling like nothing in Steve's nose can get me down. I do my usual gym thing, come home and feel great ! Poor undeniably sick Steve is now trying to hide the signs of his sickness in order for me to still believe that it is STILL ALLERGIES! What's wrong with this guy? I will make a long story short today. After going to sleep at night next to a fog horn snoring husband I decide enough is enough.....I need to create a snore free zone by balancing a pillow between me and the horn. Hopefully this will help. If not, and the pillow happens to "accidently" fall on his face and suffocate him whilst snoring - what can you do? I'm just sayin.

So, after one night of breathing in aliens - ONE NIGHT- I start feeling a bit of a scratchy throat. It can't be sickness. NO!!!!!! I then start the dosing.....2 vitamin C, 2 Echinecea, 2 shots of my very pricey (which isn't worth a shit but I think it makes me perkier) botanical elixir. This potion will definitely deter the cold demons from my body. It will make my immune system stand up and punch those colorful ugly germs with ears and whiskers right to the moon. Right? Wrong. With each passing day, I am getting worse and with each passing day - Mr. Rhinovirus spreader is getting friskier. Crap!
So here's where we are at today. Still in bed. Still collecting Kleenex boxes next to my night table. Drinking from my cracked Denise cup ( courtesy of Denise the Cleaning Lady - let's call her DCL. She loves to break things and then she just laughs)

Today Rhino Man went to get me a jar of my mother's chicken soup. The Cure All Liquid Gold that makes life and this earth a better place to be.



  2. You are a riot!!!!!
    Love you

    Your adopted bro!!

  3. You Make me laugh out loud Aunty Debils! Love you! Gavin.

  4. Well, I started backward and ended up here (which is par for the course for me). Great writings - and a lot of deja vu. Looking forward to more.