Saturday, January 9, 2010

Toxicology results...and who eats Coleslaw before bed?

Let's just say that Mark B. was right! The Neo Citran did make a difference in making it through the night. Although I must tell you that it was a combination of other drugs that also helped. After I chugged the cup of Neo I then proceeded to squirt 4 shots of Otrivin into my very sore nose, found an old asthma puffer in my cabinet so I thought what the hay....let's try that too ....and for shits and about two Advils and a shot of Kofflex (also leftover from my last cold which was August 1, 2009 by the way just in case you are documenting my sicknesses). I then proceeded to make my way to bed with grandiose hopes that I would finally be able to acquire that comatose-like sleep I have been longing for .....over the past week!

Steve was already settled in...he had done his usual pre-boarding preparation for bed. Checked his luggage at the door ( he prepares his gymbag and leaves it in the hallway for the bellboy to pick-up during the night....I guess?).....He set his clock to his favorite channel...(please note that his clock is on the same channel all the time....each night when he sets the "wake up" time he has to listen to the song that is playing for a few seconds while I am watching TV and ask...."do you know who sings this song"? I then ask him a question........."do you think I care? I am trying to hear the TV"! At this point of the evening am I in the mood to play "name that tune"...I don't think so. Just as a point of interest I have a clock too. Mine was a present from my dad. He won it in 1968 at a golf tournament. It's guaranteed the first clock radio ever invented. I can't part with it. I wake up to AM 640 or 680 or 590 everyday. The only issue is can't really tell it's any station because it just plays static. I wake up to static each day. Remember Radar in M.A.S.H.? He had the same radio. Do you think I would trade it for anything in the world? Not a chance. Makes me feel like I am back in Nam (Viet). Very Desert Stormish.

Just a quick note on the Neo Citran again. I read the side of the box before I chugged and it said "IN CASE OF ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE......I'm thinking like this.......who in their right mind would want to commit suicide by taking Neo Citran? Wouldn't you rather "go" more Hollywood glam with cocktails of xanax, oxcycotin, valium or demerol? Come on people, save yourself the embarrassment of toxicology results that conclude you were lame enough to overdose on NEO CITRAN! How did she die? I think it was from a overdose of OTC drugs. Frankly, I would laugh.

Back to Steve. Maybe some of you know this already but I am betting you don't. Each night at around 10 p.m E.S.T. we have our bedtime snack. This snack usually consists of a hot drink and a sweet treat. That's in my case. In Steve's it's dependant on which year of the Chinese calendar we are celebrating. If we are in the Year of the Pig, Steve makes the most extragavant combinations of dessert you have ever seen. I will give you some examples: marshmallows on ritz crackers with blue cheese and peanut butter, ice cream with potato chips or pretzels, popcorn with a side of chocolate bubka, chocolate bubka with a side of white birthday cake, white birthday cake with a side of roasted chestnuts. The list goes on. Now if we are not celebrating the Year of the Pig he usually eats an apple with a thin slice of cheese. Are you getting the picture here? I usually have two issues with Steve's selection of bedtime snacks.

1. His snack usually consists of something loud and;
2. His snack usually consists of something that smells

When choosing a snack that's "loud" in nature there are concerns. One being that your partner is not able to hear the show that she is watching. Here's the usual chain of events. Up comes Steve with a plastic bowl filled to the brim with something like popcorn, chips or pretzels. In the other hand he is carrying a knife and an apple. Yes, my husband brings a knife to bed with him on most nights. It scares me. Now he sits down on the bed to position all of his tools. The knife is on the plate with the apple/pear or other seasonal fruit that requires carving. He starts off by eating the loudest food first. Nine times out of ten it is going to result in me "the wife" looking at him "the husband" and asking "Are you going to finish that soon so that I can enjoy and HEAR what I am watching"? He then crunches louder and I have to rewind the VCR due to "loud food crunch interruptus". Next is the apple carving lesson. Here's how I eat an apple. I wash it, cut it in slices and eat it. I do this so fast that I sometimes eat the sticker on the apple. I was absolutely positive that I would see those stickers stuck inside me during my colonoscopy but guess what .....I didn't. Here's how Steve eats an apple. He slooowly carves the apple into shapes of things. Are you believing this? Well if not you are welcome to swing by at approximately 10:14 p.m. tonight and see for yourselves. The best part is he's so proud of those apple carvings. ( I think he should give up his job and work at Black Creek Pioneer Village) He has done so many CARVINGS.....pyramids, phallic symbols, faces, sports memorabilia, rocketships.... even the CN Tower...that's just to name a few. Remember...I am trying to watch a show while this arts and crafts project is taking place. Last night he had two desserts. A small container of leftover Pickle Barrel Coleslaw and a pear. Think about this combo for a second. Who eats coleslaw at night for a snack? Coleslaw is cabbage and cabbage causes.....well....... tremendous flatulence. When I looked over and saw this I just knew that even though I would drug myself into a stupor there was a good chance that the coleslaw would not allow for a peace on earth.

So as we say our goodnights I place my head on the pillow waiting for the drugs to kick in. They are not working fast enough and I am starting to design wedding gowns again. You would think that the Neo/Advil/Kofflex/Otrivin combo would by now haved knocked me into a general anaesthetic type sleep? No, I am not sleeping yet because in my mind I am waiting. Waiting and listening. The first thing I am listening to is this...pooff.....ahhhh.... pooff....ahhhh.... pooff ....ahhhhh...poofff......ahhhhh... poofffffff.......that is Steve's first stage of snoring.....I call it "poofing" The second thing I am waiting for is........yes.....the coleslaw effect. Wait for it.....wait for it......Thank you! .... and now I can sleep.....maybe.

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