So why did I decide to do this today? I have something to tell you. It has to do with.. US and our nightly routine.
Nine times out of ten, Steve arrives home from work before I do. One of the reasons is that his office is based out of our home....so technically, he comes home to work or leaves to go do work or he works from home and leaves to go out for something and then he comes home again and may not leave but says he's working although I know he's not but he thinks he is and has been caught looking at motorcycle parts on the internet when he says he really is "working" but we all know better. First problem with this scenario is that he works from our dining room table which drives me nuts.
Definition: dining-room table - dining-room furniture consisting of a table on which meals can be served
When I arrive home after work, I find my husband seated amongst a flurry of unnecessary items all over THE DINING ROOM TABLE. Before kissing him HELLO, my first words are always the same "this really needs to be cleaned up". To which he replies "oh yes, I was just going to tidy up in a minute". Ya right. What ensues next is dinner preparation, dishes to clean and a phone call to my dear mother to say goodnight... then it's my favorite part of the evening.....changing into my house outfit (a.k.a...my pajamas). Once the clock hits 8 p.m. EST ...there is the proverbial question from Steve..."do we have anything to watch tonight"?
Now this is where it gets interesting. I could tell you (without a calendar) which day of the week it is by the shows that are aired that evening. For instance, Amazing Race - it has to be Sunday night. Survivor - it's a Wednesday. Greys Anatomy - for sure it's Thursday. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (Triple D) thank G-d it's Friday. And so on and so forth...
What happened to watching TV with just a simple ON and OFF button? This opportunity no longer exists.
He grabs the remote and in one fell swoop presses two or three buttons (which he refuses to tell me how to do) and voila...the TV and PVR miraculously appear in unison.
What shocks me is this. My husband is handy with almost EVERYTHING. His business revolves around installing complicated security systems in commercial and residential buildings. He has to program these systems, connect them to camera's and external applications and ensure that they function to his satisfaction. Not an easy task but he knows his stuff. Why am I shocked? Let me take you back to 10 years ago when he arrived on my doorstep with his OLD VCR. He had the unit for at least 5 years. It was very easy to use but he had no idea that it had the capacity to record shows up to 2 weeks in advance. How did he not know this? The fact that I had to SHOW HIM what to do automatically promoted me to the top of the IT department in our home...until I was faced with the ominous presence of our possessed PHR (Personal Hellish Recorder). The PHR has a mind of it's own. It records what it wants to record, it doesn't record what you want it to record and it constantly warns us that there is conflict within itself. It basically needs therapy or better yet the ultimate solution...REPLACEMENT.
When it comes to the different array of TV shows to watch, we have similar tastes EXCEPT for the programs Steve watches while I'm doing "important" things on my iPad. The lineup of some of these shows watched simultaneously while flipping goes like this:
S.O.A. (Sons of Anarchy or what I refer to it as S.O.A.B. - Shit On A Bike)
and then there are the OLD movies on the HIGHER channels (that feature the walking dead, zombies and creatures from another planet with odd gross things coming out of their mouths... a perfect visual for me to see before I go to sleep)
Our Shows usually begin with Steve in control of the FF on the remote. There is a skill to Fast Forwarding commercials without actually running into the next segment of the show. This will hereby be referred to as PTFF. Perfecting the Fast Forward. It then becomes a competition (of course) with Steve always being in the lead with his PTFF skills. I have to say, you need concentration and a steady hand to accomplish the PFF.
The only way you could ever fail in Fast Forward School is by falling asleep while fast forwarding. This occurs on a nightly basis. If by chance I also happen to not be paying attention, we have missed the entire show and did not pass the course at FFS.
Once snack time has concluded and the room is once again conducive to actually HEARING the show we are watching the final curtain falls for Steve. The remote loosens from his hand, it falls onto the bed and I usually hear his theme song playing under the covers.....THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.
Bedtime Poem for Steve....
Now I lay me down to sleep
I didn't need to count those sheep
My lids got heavy and started to fall
But I can still hear noises from down the hall
I sense the small light on the PVR
and I wonder if I've locked my car
The cat just jumped on to the bed
She makes her way towards my head
I start to think about things to do
Check my alarm? My iPhone? Or maybe poo?
I'm wide awake now and turn my head
My wife is snoring and can wake the dead
I gently shake her but she's still making noise
I head downstairs to hang with the boys
No one in sight, I start flipping through stations
Hmmmm...I think I have seen this show on many occasions
Next thing I know, it's almost 3
I move back upstairs but first I pee
The night is dark and I trip and fall
Did that wake anyone, I wonder if all?
It's time for bed and I'm really tired
but for some strange reason, I'm still feeling wired
No one is watching and I know that I'm able
So I think I'll go sit at my dining room table.