Friday, January 8, 2010

Neo Citran and Breathe Rights are wrong...

let's just carry on shall we? Following my explanation of how cold remedies don't really work I sent my youngest son ( soon to be 19 - and legal to drink but really doesn't love to) off to Shoppers Drug Mart for some more items to waste my money on. Having "heard" from one of my FB buds that Neo Citran will work to keep me from tossing and turning all night and blowing a hole through my sinus cavity, I thought I may give it a try because at this point I have nothing to lose except for wasted KLEENEX....

Off he goes with my middle son, who is the chauffeur. Now, my youngest CAN drive so I had to figure out why he needed to have a ride to Shoppers. Well, the middle son (MO, middle one) needed batteries for his mouse - he didn't feel like walking into the store to buy them - the youngest son (YO -youngest one) needed some assorted toiletries. He didn't want to do MO a favour and pick up the batteries and thus the duo went together. So YO and MO arrive at Shoppers in lightening speed and my phone rings. YO says "what did you need again'? "Neo Citran Nightime" I reply. "where's that at" says YO. "look up at the nice signs and pick the one that says ,"cold remedy aisle", I answer. I now hear silence from YO's phone....silence...and walking....and walking.....and......finally YO is standing near the COLD remedy section. "what did you need again" he asks? OMG. This is not good. Okay, I am really trying here so I speak sloooowly.......I NEED N.E.O. C.I.T.R.A.N....."ok mama, where's that at?" says YO. "look on the's in a box", I answer. "There are lots of boxes....which Neo Citran do you need", questions YO? "I need the one that will blow the snot out of my head and put me into a "coma-like state" for the night so that I don't have to listen to loud noises," I answer. "Ok, there's Neo Citran Cold and Flu, Neo Citran DM Cough, Neo Citran Daytime for Flu, Neo Citran Nightime for Cough, Phelgm and Sinus.....(Neo Citran to prevent people from ever wanting Neo Citran......and finally Neo Citran to prevent suffocating your mate while he is snoring in his sleep)". YO explains. "Just pick the one that says for sinus congestion" I say. "The one that says SINUS CONGESTION is for Daytime", YO answers. "Read them to me again", I ask. So he does.......such a good YO. I choose the one for Coughs and Cold - Nightime - which sounds totally yummy and fits all my symptoms to a T. I will let you know if it worked tomorrow.

Now I am thinking I might need some OTRIVIN even though I am a recovered OTRIVINAHOLIC. Yes folks ...way back in my pregnancy days PRE - YO, MO and FO ( first one) I was hooked. I acquired what they called pregancy rhinitis, a condition that results in not being able to breath properly without the assistance of mild antihistime spray - thus the addiction to BABY OTRIVIN. I bet you didn't even know that eh? I was one step away from the three step rehab program in Encino California when I decided that self healing was the best solution.

Back to the Otrivin request at Shoppers. "Otrivin? Where's that at?" says YO. "It would be in the same spot as the NEO CITRAN....just go over a little to the right", I say. "hang on", says YO. And then there's silence. Silence on the CELL. Did he drop the call? "YO"!! I shout! "ya", says YO. "what are you doing?" I ask. "I'm waiting for people to step aside", says YO. What? Is there are rush on OTRIVIN and there is a line blocking the nasal/sinus/relief section? "Ok, I see the OTRIVIN, which one do you want", YO asks. " Get me the one that has moisturizers and stuff please", I say. He starts with the label reading again......"ok, I found it but it's extra large size" YO states. "Just forget it and come home, I think Steve the Rhinovirustransferer has some in the washroon", I say. Now, at this point I am also wondering how PATIENT MO is waiting in the car for YO. I can bet he wasn't!!

Soup time is here ! Steve went to my mom's to get my prescription soup today! The issue was that the soup was ready at the crack of dawn but there was no courier to retrieve it. Just happened to be Steve was heading in that direction (south) for work so there was hope that I would be feeling better soon! Time now.....11:00 a.m. ( scheduled soup arrival to sick wife? How about 4 p.m.?) Not that I am ungrateful or anything but what the heck good is it going to do to wait an entire day for a bowl of medicine when I am sick in the morning.....and the majority of daylight hours? By the time it arrived I was not in a very good mood. In fact, I asked my dear sweet Rhinovirus Man to heat it up and bring me my soup in bed......and he a giant sized PASTA SERVING BOWL with fake flowers on a romantique non? Next, I hoovered the soup like I hadn't eaten for a whole day ( which by the way...I never starve a fever and feed a cold or starve a cold and feed a fever....I just never starve anything because I AM always STARVING) The Soup of the Day hit the spot and gave me the warmth of love I needed from my mama's kitchen.....she is truly the best chicken soup maker in the world and I challenge you to unseat her title. ( ok...the pic I have posted may not look so delectable...steve put a chicken carcass in my bowl so that I could tear at it like a vulture....when I say trust's good!)

Forgot to mention the BreathRight experience last night. I bought them awhile ago..pre-cold acquisition. Reason for purchase? Apparantly I snore. I didn't believe it until rumours of a reported release of a snoring tape surfaced on TMZ. Did you hear it? Well it goes something like this......GGGGHHHAAA GGGGGHHHAA GGGGHHHAA SQUEEK SQUEEK. What the ? When was this recorded? How about at 3 a.m. because RHINO had nothing better to do with his time and his Iphone. So now I was booked. A booked snorer. It's embarrassing no? What would I do if this tape was ever ....oh....maybe...shared on YOU-TUBE or something?? A total invasion of privacy that could one day be used against me in a court of law - like at a murder trial or something (Bwaaa Ha Ha )

Instead of getting all bent out of shape about the fact that I am not as perfect as all of you think I am... I decided to try BREATHRIGHT strips. Off to Loblaw ( formerly known as LOBLAWS - which by the way I liked better when the store had an extra "S" on the end of it's name, there is less stuff in there that I need now - what was up with that Mr. Weston?). I am so excited in the BreathRight aisle ! Let's see !....BreathRight Sensitive, BreathRight Clear, BreathRight Flesh Color, BreathRight for small noses BreathRight for Large noses and finally BreathRight for Athletes). As per usual I have no reading glasses on and I'm squinting at the boxes trying to find one that fits my shnoze. I do a quick snatch and grab because all I see is 20% bonus written on the box and boy do I like bargains....don't you? I get home eager to try out my new snore inhibitor strips and notice in horror that I bought the one created for JIMMY DURANTE style noses. Doing what I do best ( returns ) I exchange them on my next trip to LOBLAW without the "S".

Do you think I used them right away? Of course not. I had to wait until I really needed them. Last night was the night. I broke open the box with hopes that the strips would spread my sinus cavity so wide that you could 10 pin bowl up in there. I suggest to Mr. Rhinovirus carrier that he may want to try one too since his snoring is also Rictor Scale notable. I put mine on first. Peel off the sticky tape....position it.....and guess what? It's not in the right place according to my new ENT ( ear nose and throat specialist) who I sleep with. How the hell do you remove it without it ripping your face off? Luckily I didn't have it pressed down fully so the ENT repositioned it and then proceeded to put his on as well. We are ready to sleep yes? I don't think so. Mine is so tight that I feel like there is a clothes pin on my face.....a LARGE CLOTHES PIN. The ENT is already sleeping at this point. He is sleeping.........AND snoring......why?????? Because he snores through his mouth and basically the BreathRight is good for shit and doesn't help with MOUTH SNORERS!! I am now tossing and turning, tossing and turning......maybe if I imagine that the strip is not really there it will start to work but all I feel is PAIN. BIG PAIN. I try my usual "can't fall asleep method to fall asleep". I design wedding gowns. Yes, I am hooked on the TLC show "Say Yes to the Dress" so what! Anyone else have any other ideas? After designing 6 dresses that would make Pnina Tornai jealous, I finally I jump out of bed and run into the washroom to try to release the strip. Here's where there's an issue......with my nose skin tissue. I can't get it off !!! I remember reading somewhere that you have to gently release the VICE from your face with something oily. I try a little Aveeno moisturizer......NO release. I try a little warm water with some soap....still no RELEASE. Has anyone ever gone to Emerg. with a BreathRight Strip stuck to their nose? I am picturing it. I am also picturing how I am going to get to EMERG. I don't want to disturb anyone so I'm thinking just to call 911. As I am making the call I try with one hand to rip it off my face........and presto! It releases along with a layer of skin.....

Dear Mr. Glaxo-Smith Kline,

Do you make your BreathRights coated with Krazy Glue?

I think so...and you should be ashamed of yourselves ....thanks for the experience but I would rather snore. Yours Truly,
Mother of three (MOT)


  1. Yo and Mo - I'm dying. And is "U" tube how they call it in Canada? You'e too much...I am SO glad you are back in business baby!

  2. and what about FO? Thx for the U Tube correction. I made the change only because I love you!