Sunday, March 14, 2010
YO - "Steve! The ants are here! The ants are here!....when are you coming home"?
STEVE - "I will be there as soon as I can"
YO - "Bring your blowtorch"
Now, if you have never witnessed this you must come by next time this yearly event occurs. Steve and YO are on the front porch with a million flying ants. Steve has the blowtorch at full tilt and YO is the only one in the audience. Steve aims the torch at all the ants and annihilates them by frying them to a crisp. YO is mesmerized by this and the two of them are having the time of their lives. Does this sound like fun to you? Try living with these two guys. I am getting to my point...hang on....
Thursday night we settled in to watch Greys Anatomy in our room. I was snuggled under my covers and from the corner of my eye I looked up to see a silverfish on the ceiling near Steve's side of the bed. Ever since I was a little girl I have had a pretty good knack of spotting unwanted creatures in the house. Now that I am a bit older I have to put on my glasses to determine whether or not the said CREATURE is in fact an insect or a piece of sock lint.
"Steve!!!! I see a bug"! I scream. "So?", Steve replies. "So? So, please come here and retrieve it", I ask. Steve walks into the room....analyzes the insect and goes back downstairs to refill his teacup. "AHHHHHH! Where are you going! Aren't you going to kill the bug"?, I screech. "Ya, I'll be right back", he says nonchalantly. "Oh my G-d", I scream...."I can't believe you are leaving me here with that THING on the ceiling", I say.
At this point the bug is motionless. Just sitting quietly on the ceiling near the electrical cord of the hanging lamp. I don't see Steve returning rapidly enough so I call MO to my rescue. MO enters the room and walks over to look at the culprit on the ceiling. He then proceeds to talk to the bug AND it started running. I have no idea what MO said to agitate the insect but I believe he told it to head for the hills. As soon as it began moving I jumped up, stood on the bed and started screaming for a tissue.....as if the bug knew that it was about to be squished it disappeared into a small hole in the ceiling. Out of sight but not out of MY mind. Here comes my husband back into the room with his replenished cup of tea. "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!" I cried. "Now the stupid bug is gone and I don't know where it is!" I said. He put down his teacup and stood up on the bed looking for the bug. What was the point now? The bug was most likely peering at Steve through the hole it was hiding in and thinking...."ya sucker, I'm in here but you can't get me now because you had to go and get yourself another tea....Ha Ha". There are two of us standing on the bed now looking at the ceiling. "hmmm....I don't seem to see it anymore", he says. NO DUH. The bug was not lame. It knew that the only person who could murder it quickly was making a TEA so it took the GO-TRAIN to the next station. Steve sat back down on the bed and I looked at him and said.... "Well, what are we going to do now"? "What do you mean, what are we going to do now"? he replied. "We are going to watch Greys and go to sleep, that's what we are going to to do now", explained Tilly the Tea Drinker. "GO TO SLEEP"? "WITH A BUG IN THE CEILING", I said incredulously. This is when Steve enlightened me with the fact that this bug was not the only bug in the house. According to him there are hundreds of hidden insects living in the house but they don't always come out at the same time. HUNDREDS? How do you expect me to relax knowing that the house is infested with hundreds of small insects. Is this a piece of information you tell someone who has enough trouble falling asleep just before bedtime? Now I am imagining what CAN transpire during the night and I am trying to figure out how I can secure all my orfaces.
It was a full and busy week......I even had time to fit in a BRIS on Friday. Steve's bro and his wife had a baby boy who needed some trimming and so the ritual was performed even though the baby was unaware that he had to become a FULL JEW. If you have never attended this traditional type of religious ceremony let me explain what happens in laymen terms.
1. The parents produce a boy
2. The parents are Jewish
3. The baby is semi-Jewish until after the bris
4. There are relatives and friends present
5. There are bagels and cream cheese present (sometimes egg and tuna are present)
6. There is a Mohel present (pronounced MOY EL) - he is the snipper
7. There is a unsuspecting baby present - he is the snippee
8. There are people crying and laughing present
9. There are presents
10. There are sharp instruments present
11. There is wine present
12. There is a penis present
13. There is skin present
14. There is no skin present anymore
end of bris.
A bris is an event where you never want to sit in the front row....except if you are my husband. You see, Steve is always willing to learn new things and thinks that he can master any task if he just watches ONCE. Attention all JEWS - Hide your newborn sons.
Q. Why do Jewish women always go for men who are circumcised?
A: Because they find it hard to refuse anything with 10% off.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
1. I'll be right back ....just have to grab my wallet from the car....(exit...never come back)
2. I have to show these to my husband and he's waiting in the mall...(exit...never come back)
3. Can you hold these? ( exit....never come back)
4. Is there a bathroom in the mall? ( exit....never come back)
5. What time does the mall close because I need to get to an appointment? (exit...never come back)
6. I need to take a walk to think about this purchase (exit.....never come back)
7. Got to grab a drink in the foodcourt to take my prescription pill with.... (exit...never come back)
So I grab MO and tell MISS BOOBER that we need to go for a walk...please hold the suit....(we never came back). MO then informs me that if he was there by himself he would have bought anything from her because of her large chest.....why are men so dumb? The good news is....MO and I went through Zones 1 through 6 and ended up back at Zone 1 across from the first store. We walked in and spot a salesman who is wearing a measuring tape around his neck because he's a professional and confident that we will not leave the store without a purchase no matter what excuse I come up with. "Can I help you", he asks? "Yes, please", I say. "My son needs a grey suit from the back of the store, not the front, not the middle, keep walking towards the back", I motion. The reason why is this. The front of the store houses the Banker/Wall Street Suits - Is MO a banker or a stock broker? NO. The middle of the stores houses the EMPLOYED FULL TIME suits - Is MO employed full time? NO. He is a student. The back of the store houses the suits that are for those who wear a suit twice a year. Perfect for MO. He slips on the jacket and pants in his size and emerges from the changeroom......runway model material. Out comes the measuring tape and my credit card - mission accomplished in over 6 zones.
- COLD FEET
- UPPER STOMACH PAIN
- SUDDEN ONSET OF FEVER
I instruct Steve not to die because I have no patience to date again. As well, I double check that the life insurance policy has been kept up do to date.
Having had three boys I can predict an oncoming stomach bug-look but not this time. This time it presented more like the after effects of a bad corned beef sandwich rather than the flu. You see, Thursday night we had take-out from the Pickle Barrel. I have the same SAFE thing everytime I go there. Honey Mustard Chicken Wrap, side salad and a kabob of fruit. Steve on the otherhand orders a SEMI-POISONOUS deli plate with corned beef, rye bread and mashed potatoes. When he orders this meal I can't help but think of my dearly departed Uncle Zelig. Uncle Zelig was a jolly man. He was also quite jiggly. I attribute the jiggliness to an over indulgence of processed deli meats..... and then he died.....from eating tons of corned beef...I swear...that's why. According to the American Journal of Medicine Corned Beef is one of the top ten foods that causes IBS otherwise known as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. My fear is that if Steve keeps up the habit of Corned Beef platters he will end up with UZD (Uncle Zelig Disease).
Steve refuses to believe that his STOMACH ailment could come from anything but a flu-like bug. Pretty interesting that he is the only one in the family who had both the Seasonal Flu Shot and the H1N1 vaccine and still ends up with this so-called FLU. When you suffer from UZD the onset of symptoms can appear quite rapidly and mimic the flu. I have monitored his progress over the past two days and this is what I have observed.
- He has joined a native Indian Tribe
- His new name is Chief Sitting Shiva (mostly because of the growth on his face and the sullen look in his eyes)
- He has been reciting some sort of tribal chant (Ow oh oh Ow oh oh Ow oh oh)
- He has been secretly playing in the NHL for the OTTAWA SENATORS (because according to Steve, his teamates have the same flu bug)
- He is working for Israeli Intelligence (due to the explosive nature he is capable of displaying during the night - he has become a Human Scud Missile)
- His appetite hasn't really subsided as he has put away three large size TWISTER BAGELS in the course of 24 hrs
- His whining has given me a new outlook on life (I actually love going to the gym now ....for extended periods of time)
Labels: Boxers and Briefs are Better than nothing, Grey is Suitable for Mo and In Sickness there is Wealth