Monday, January 11, 2010

LOST - Starring YO, Kleenex Idol and the Dance of a thousand Veils

Today is Monday. It is exactly one week since Steve the "Germinator" passed the 'H9N4' virus inside my body via breathing on me (yes that's a new one that I just made up and there is currently no vaccine for it so don't get excited). I must say that last night was quite restful due to the fact that I am still on the regimen of Neo/Otrivin/Expired Asthma Puffer. I am now banned from using any more Kleenex as I have calculated that I have blown my nose over 780 times in the past week and Steve is refusing to buy more. Yes, 780 times. One box of Kleenex has 130 three ply tissues X 6 = 780. I have also had the opportunity to take the time to read the bottom of Kleenex box. How many of you have ever stopped what you are doing to read the bottom of the box? I bet none. This only proves that I am bored beyond the universe, I have nothing to watch on TV, gone completely insane or all of the above. So here is what is says on the box. Ready?

"Say goodbye to the stiff upper lip....Tell calm, cool and collected to take a hike. Whoop it up! Laugh, scream, cry and holler! And when tons of stuff stuffs up your nose, blow it loud and blow it proud! Show your heart and show some tears...of joy and sorrow, in awe and pride. Just let it out!"

I bet you think I am joking. I am not. The manufacturers of Kleenex actually have a CHEER. It is written on the back of every box. High end users (such as myself) are expected to recite that cheer each time you blow your nose. Listen people, next time you are reaching for a Kleenex you must .....CHEER!......stand up! ..CHEER and blow and think of all the other cold sufferers out there blowing and CHEERING! with you. As of this morning I am officially a CHEERLEADER for Kleenex brand tissue. Today I may even make myself a POM POM from the used Kleenex. Well? What else am I supposed to do with them?

There is always a light at the end of every tunnel. When I turned on my light this morning I discovered that I am now developing a lovely coldsore inside my left nostril. Not to gross you out or anything but the fact that it is concealed up inside my nasal cavity is a good thing. Normally when I have a cold of this MAGNITUDE I will get the proverbeal cold sore somewhere visible. The lip, the face ....somewhere where you are going to have people POINT and LOOK. I can't relate to those who go out in public to proudly display their herpes simplex. I would like to lobby the Provincial government to instate a mandatory veil requirement for those insisting on going out in the streets with this virus. There is nothing wrong with veils. Veils are very sultry and sexy...... even on men. Can you focus on anything when there is a coldsore in the room? I can't.  On a sidenote, I have always admired a woman who could look good in a veil at a funeral. There is something totally chic about wearing a pill box hat and veil while sobbing into a hanky. Don't cha think?

Let me sidetrack to another subject. Today was YO's first day at University - Yes ! YO goes to York. He is enrolled in a college program for Radio and Broadcasting which didn't begin in September like a normal course and thus the late start. Very exciting for him and more so for us because YO needs to be in school. He has been home for the past 4 months doing nothing but shooting people and killing them. Uh..(don't call the cops yet)...not like in real shooting and killing.....these crimes have been committed via XBOX LIVE playing CALL OF DUTY. Don't get me wrong here.....he has also been working part-time but between coaching basketball to cute little tykes he kills bad people.

Last night in preparation for his first day at "big boy" school he had to choose an outfit. The kid has over a million hooded sweatshirts that he has purchased off a website based on the West Coast. I believe it is called Whiskey Militia. Sounds like they sell combat clothing but in reality they have some nice gear for good prices. So he waltzes into my nest with a brand new sweatshirt (still has the tags on) that he bought over a year ago but hasn't worn. Why? I guess he was saving it for a special occasion. "Ma? What do you think of this sweatshirt"? YO asks. "Well, it's a little black", I answer. "do you like it"?, he says. "Yes, it's very nice", I answer. "Do you think it's too gangster"?, he asks. "Yes, very", I answer.  Off he goes to his room to remove the tags. Next scene. "Where's the lint brush", he asks. "In the cupboard", I point. "Which direction do you use the brush in", he asks. OMG. Now we need a lesson in LINTBRUSHING 101. How does this happen? He can kill over 30 people in a day with a remote control and he can't figure out how to use a lintbrush?

First class this morning was 8 a.m. - he texts me after the class to let me know that they have put him in a ESL course (english as a second language). He is  the only one in the class that holds a valid Canadian Passport. There must be some mistake. Now that the class is over he has to find his next class. He texts me again. "I'm lost", says YO. "What do you mean you're lost"?, I text back. "I can't find anything - it's a maze in here", he says. Now I am worried....and relieved. I am worried that the kid is lost in a building and relieved that we didn't send him to a out of town school. He is already lost and he is only 20 minutes from home. I get another text. "Mom? I feel clusterfucked in here". He then tells me that he has walked around the building a hundred times and has already been stopped by Security. Probably because of the Black Hooded Sweatshirt and the fact that he is walking aimlessly in circles in the hallways with his eyes darting around in different directions.  Due to his suspicious behaviour they asked to see his timetable and since his timetable is on his Blackberry he just flashed it at the female Security guard WITHOUT letting her touch it. YO doesn't like the general public touching his stuff. So when he held his phone up a foot away from the Security Guard and she couldn't SEE it she then told him to "enjoy being lost".

It's only day one and already he is now on York's MOST WANTED LIST. Tomorrow he should consider wearing a V-Neck sweater with a shirt and tie.

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