Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Secret Life of Single Socks and Orange Ya Glad I'm having a Pickles Yard Sale

We begin by addressing the "case of the missing socks". I'm certain that the majority of you have had a similar experience when doing laundry. It's a fact of life. If you wear socks you lose socks. With 5 people living under the same roof the quantity of socks on site is astronomical. The question is ....where do single socks go? Are single socks similar to single men and women? Do they hang out together in bars waiting for their perfect match? Are they stuck without mates on purpose only to have the opportunity to meet other single socks in a drawer? Does Sergeant Pepper have a lonely socks club band?  Can a sock be independant just lying around amongst the pairs? It takes two to make a sockroll.There is never a week that goes by without a laundry basket that contains neatly folded clothes, 4 pairs of socks and 1 or 2 single socks laid on top. My theory is that a sock who wants to remain single does so until they are ready to be a couple again. I am one of the few lucky ones who rarely loses a sock. In fact, all my socks are married and not separated. I do not come from a broken sock home. As well, I have socks that are favorites. I have new socks. I have old socks. I have thin socks and thick socks. I have sports socks and short socks. I have religious socks (holy ones) and wild socks. I have cheap socks and expensive socks. But one thing I cannot deal with are socks that kvetch my legs.(reminder about  the definition for the yiddish word "kvetch".....a kvetch can either be a complainer or whiner but it also means to "squeeze tightly") There is nothing worse than a TIGHT SOCK that leave "lines" around your calves and cut off your circulation while you are wearing them. The greatest invention ever is the "soft top" sock or as I like to refer to them as "Kvetchless Socks". COMFY COMFY. I recently purchased a three pack of kvetchless socks at my usual hangout...Winners. The pack came with a pair each of charcoal grey, chocolate brown and black socks. I broke open the pack a while ago but slowly became partial to the charcoal grey ones. My socks never go into the dryer for two reasons:

1. Dryers eat socks (resulting in M.S.S. missing sock syndrome)
2. When socks hang out together they keep their shapley figures (if you were put in a hot dryer and spinned around every week for an do you think you would look?)

Last Friday, I wore my charcoal grey socks around the house. I took them off , rolled them up and placed them next to my bed at night and when I woke up in morning they were GONE. I searched all over my room to find them to no avail. How did this happen? I couldn't blame the usual suspect DCL (Denise Cleaning Lady) because she was in the house the prior day. I couldn't accuse the kittens because they wouldn't play with a toy that is larger than a mouse. All I knew grey socks were no longer visible to the human eye. Where are my socks? be continued.

Orange Rubber dish gloves. Ok, so who wants to raise their hand and tell me they love washing dishes? I don't. It's my belief that the act of "doing" dishes may be hazardous to your health. Without the proper protective gear you risk burning your fingers and melting your manicure. What everyone needs is what I have.....Orange Rubber Dish Gloves....they are heavy duty rubberized shields of steel that will not allow the chore of washing a dish impede on your delicate hands. When I finish "doing" the dishes I always place my gloves over the side of the kitchen cupboard to dry. They are safe hanging there...side by a pair. It's a week ago Thursday ....Enter DCL. Exit DCL. I am now proceeding to wash the dishes after baking the most awesome banana cake on Tuesday. Here is the recipe in case you are longing for a heart attack.


1 1/2 cups bananas, mashed, ripe
2 teaspoons lemon juice
3 cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup butter, softened
2 1/8 cups sugar
3 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 1/2 cups buttermilk


1/2 cup butter, softenened
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 1/2 cups icing sugar
chopped walnuts
Preheat oven to 275°. (yes 275...this is not a mistake)
Grease and flour a 9 x 13 pan.
In a small bowl, mix mashed banana with the lemon juice; set aside.
In a medium bowl, mix flour, baking soda and salt; set aside.
In a large bowl, cream 3/4 cup butter and 2 1/8 cups sugar until light and fluffy.
Beat in eggs, one at a time, then stir in 2 tsp vanilla.
Beat in the flour mixture alternately with the buttermilk (I never have buttermilk so if you don't feel like running out to get some just put in 1 1/2 tbls of lemon juice into the 1 1/2 cups of milk)
Stir in banana mixture.
Pour batter into prepared pan and bake in preheated oven for one hour or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.
Remove from oven and place directly into the freezer for 45 minutes. This will make the cake very moist...I am not kidding.
For the frosting, cream the butter and cream cheese until smooth.
Beat in 1 teaspoon vanilla.
Add icing sugar and beat on low speed until combined, then on high speed until frosting is smooth.
Spread on cooled cake.
Sprinkle chopped walnuts over top of the frosting, if you want to make it look pretty.
As you can see by the above recipe it's not a ONE bowl task to complete. I think I had about 8 dirty dishes out on my counter when all was said and done. Totally worth it but a huge clean-up to contend with. I then go hunting for my faithful finger protectors....they are not in their usual place. I look in the cupboard ....not there. I pull open the drawers ....not there. I walk into the laundry room....and spot ONE orange glove sitting on top of the wash bucket. It's match is nowhere in sight. Now I start to panic. I can't possible do a ONE GLOVE WASH JOB. Where is my other glove? be continued.
Skip to a quick Olympic Update. There is an error on the Vancouver Website. Another Gold Medal had been won by Canada and was acquired this morning (even before the athletes were awake out West)! Remember that I had qualified for the sport of freestyle falling? Well, even though the IOC offered me the spot on the team I opted to compete in my hometown - offsite to avoid the crowds. So, with no one watching in the stands, I managed a world record breaking fall on my ass at 9:10 a.m. EST just outside of the community centre on my way in to my cycle class. I have to say it was spectacular and guess what boots I was wearing? The same ones that I was wearing last time I fell outside.....MY FUGGS! There was only one judge on hand and he came running to my side to pick me and my underwear off the ashpalt. My underwear? Yes, during the free-fall I was holding my gymbag and it and its contents spilled onto the ground together with me. Don't tell Steve....but the fact is......I got picked up by another man in the parking lot and he saw my panties.  I brushed myself off, stuffed all my lingerie back into my bag and  thanked the judge for awarding me the Gold. When I saw Steve I confessed what happened. He didn't seem too surprised......that I had won that is....but he did offer to spruce up my boots.....with nail studs to grip the ice for better performance. How much better a performance than a GOLD can you get? I think I will pass on the studs.

Pickles. There is only one pickle that I will eat....sweet gherkins. Other pickles are not for me. Sofra Grill is a fabulous Middle Eastern Restaurant that we get take-out from quite often. Chicken Shawarma on rice for Steve. Chicken Breast in a Pita for me. Some of you may not know what Shawarma is. Let's just say it is the equivalant to a large block of chicken on a metal sword that has met it's demise by stepping on a land mine. Basically it looks like shards of meat on a plate swimming in grease. About as good for you as the banana cake I made....heart wrenching, artery clogging bliss. Anyways, each meal comes two free sides....a salad and a container of pickles. The container of pickles goes onto the table and sit's there. Steve claims to have had one slice, but I never witness this. Once the meal is over NO one will ever pay attention to the pickles again. "Steve, what should I do with the pickles", I ask? "Put them in the fridge, I will try to remember to eat them", he answers. Try to remember to eat them? Who has a reminder in their calendars to "try to eat their leftover pickles" ? Conclusion? We have a pickle collection. Once they hit the cold air in the fridge they obtain magical powers. For some reason the container tends to grow legs. Each time I reach in to grab something off a shelf they spring out at me, hit my head and land on the floor.

Why are these pickles in there in the first place? You and I know that they are not wanted so why are we harbouring them? They are also not going to be eaten by Steve even though he tries to remember them. At times during the week they join us on the table for dinner. They always remain untouched. "You didn't eat your pickles Steve", I say. "Ya, I know....just put them back in the fridge...I will get to them", he promises. What transpires is this....we put them back in the fridge....we order another meal from Sofra and we get another container of we have two. We order again....we have three....order again...four.....and so on until one day we have no room for anything in the fridge but PICKLES!! "Steve?....Do you think we should start throwing these pickles out" I ask? "I guess so......but let me smell them first to see if they are still okay", he answers. Smell them first ? Why do we need to SMELL the pickles when they are NOT GOING TO BE EATEN? This brings me to tell you about certain food items that remain in our home  way past their expiry dates. I take an inventory to see what needs to be thrown out and put it on the counter. Steve does an inspection and puts the expired items back in the fridge? Why ? Because according him, the expiry dates are just a guide.....they are not true dates. So in other words there is an argument as to what is "best before" and what is "best not to take a chance on after". Here's where the old "smell test" comes through again. Steve will sniff the food, observe it for movement and assess it's color and texture. If it smells sorta fresh, looks kinda good and is not growing's Steve Quality. Everyone else in the house stays clear of it as we watch and wait the outcome of Steve's survival. Mind you he eats chocolate covered crickets so what's a little expired furry yogurt going to do to him?

Fast forward to Thursday. I leave a little note for DCL to ask her to search for my orange rubber gloves.

Dear Denise,
How are you? Hope you had a nice week.
Would you happen to know what happened to my orange rubber gloves?
If so, let me know.
Thank you ! :)

When I returned home from work that night I walked into the kitchen and spotted my gloves. Laid on the counter...with my note tucked inside two of the fingers.

from Denise:
I didnt' wear the gloves.
I probably got distracted and put them in the bucket
with the other cleaning stuff.
sorry about that....

First of all.....if you have read prior stories you will remember that DCL is always distracted because she talks on her cellphone all day and works with one hand. Secondly, she loves making me crazy by sabotaging the showerhead, hiding things and throwing things out that are not really garbage. She did however redeem herself this week. I have to hand it to her ......not only did she produce my orange gloves, she also found my charcoal grey socks and put them on my bed! Two cold case mysteries solved in one week. Now I just have to teach her to throw out the PICKLES.

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