Sunday, February 14, 2010
(Mrs. Giblon Syndrome), Light my world and Fighter Jet Toothpicks
My mother would say “it’s not nice” to speak about the deceased in vain but I want to make it clear that I am not mocking the dearly departed, just merely providing you with a comprehensable definintion of what “GS” stands for in our society as well as rationalize why I have been diagnosed with this illness.
Some examples of living with GS:
1. Restaurant table placements
– Banquettes are not recommended for those suffering from GS
Entering and exiting a banquette can be tricky and tight. No matter how polite you try to be it’s 100% guaranteed that someone is getting my ASS in their face or their ASS in mine. There is also the probability of having to sit on your coat due to the fact the you can’t hang it on the couch you are trapped on. Another issue with being a wall flower is this….you can hear everything next to you and even worse they can hear everything you are saying. No private conversations on Wall Street. Then there are the drafts. If you sit under an air conditioner, vent or near a window you get the Breeze. Once there is a BREEZE I change tables or request a change in the air circulation. GS is also accentuated by a long line-up before the reservation. If you have pre-booked a table - why is it necessary to stand there? What's the point of having a reserved TIME to eat if you have to WAIT? Shouldn't it then be called a WAITERVATION instead? Let's move on to ordering. In an ideal world, you should be able to order, eat, pay the bill and leave in under 1/2 hour. Sure you can do that at a Junk Food joint but I like "fast fine dining". My problem is I'm always starving and lately I need to be fed promptly.
2. Long wait times
- GS folks must not be exposed to long delays
Since I spend the majority of the day at work I don't have much exposure to long wait times but there are a few that trigger my GS.
Why do I have to be ON HOLD with any customer service related industry that states you must press 3, 5 and 8 on your touchtone phone and wait on the line? And then there is the music. Please stop the music. I learned a little trick from an e-mail I once received. Dial the number - wait for the automated Nar to come on the line and then furiously press 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 - watch what happens - you have totally screwed with their voice activated system and it has no other choice but to place YOU in priority sequence. Granted it may be to the wrong department but once you have someone ALIVE answer just play dumb and you will get transfered. Try it. Return lines - Purchase Lines......another favorite hobby of mine. My second home is WINNERS. I spend most of my spare time navigating, buying and and returning items from this store. Shopping at WINNERS is an art. You must know how to play the WINNERS game. Spot the item, hold the item, walk with the item, don't put the item down, run with the item, stand in line with the item, buy the item, take the item home, try the item on, put the item back in the bag, take the car and drive back to the store, stand in line...return the item. Do you know what you win at WINNERS?....your money back (within 10 days - receipt required). It's like a lottery. I get a rush when they refund my money back into my chequing account. What I can't understand is this...why is it that when they do issue you a refund on your debit card, and you punch in your 4 digit password - it says ..."refund approved"? Why wouldn't it be APPROVED? Would the bank NOT be taking back my money? Duh.
Not withstanding my GS I still have controlled my patience while looking through racks and racks and racks of shmatas (rags). The problem always lies in the line to purchase or to return. Undoubtedly you are going to get behind an idiot with a million breakable items or clothing with buttons that have to be undone to come off the hangers. Then of course the security tags that are on the clothing inevitably get stuck and the poor check-out person has to use the "jaws of life" to release them. Who invented those ? Must have been a locksmith. Here's a problem with the RETURN line. People will return clothes without their original receipt. You are then subject to showing your driver's licence and passport when you try to give the item back without the accompaning bill. This causes delays and triggers the GS in yours truly. Are you aware that I have every receipt to every purchase I have ever made in my entire life? Ask Steve if you don't believe me. There are boxes and boxes (neatly stacked) in my basement of INVOICES, STATEMENTS and RECEIPTS. Ask me to find a one....I can do it.
3. Fluorescent Lighting
- People with GS react negatively to this type of illumination
Actually most humans - the majority of them women, don't cope well with this type of lighting. First of all let's do a little history on Fluorencent lighting shall we?
George Inman and Richard Thayer - The First Commercial Fluorescent Lamp
George lead a group of General Electric scientists researching an improved and practical fluorescent lamp. Under pressure from many competing companies the team designed the first practical and viable fluorescent lamp (U.S. Patent No. 2,259,040) that was first sold in 1938. It should be noted that General Electric bought the patent rights to Edmund Germer's earlier patent.
*Do you care about this? I know you don't but there is a point to this....just wait.
It's clear to me that the fluorescent light bulb was invented to make women look like shit. Harsh light not only brings out flaws, it can create the illusion of flaws that aren't actually present. Those with GS deal best with soft lighting but preferably darkness. Why? Take a look at yourself NAKED in the mirror of a fitting room that is bathed in this type of lighting. What do you see? Here's a list:
d) Green skin tone
e) Blue skin tone
f) Yellow skin tone
g) NO skin tone
h) dimples on your cheeks (both sets)
i) Gray hair - even if you don't have Gray hair
j) bags, sags and skin tags
What is clearly noted is that these lights were conceived by MEN and especially ones that don't live with women who have GS.
- GS is a handicap and deserves special treatment
Married people with GS
- Counselling may be required