Sunday, February 14, 2010

(Mrs. Giblon Syndrome), Light my world and Fighter Jet Toothpicks

I have developed a new ailment. I'm going to identify it as " Mrs. Giblon Syndrome” but for the sake of keeping it simple I will refer to it as Giblon Syndrome or GS for short. The charateristics of GS begin with chronic complaining followed by irritable tendancies which worsen with the aging process. So who the heck is Mrs. Giblon you ask? When I was growing up my mother had stacks of interesting friends. For the most part they were nice people but there were a few with personality disorders that stood out from the crowd. I’m sure in your lifetime you have come across “perpetual” whiners. Mrs. G. was a classic nitpicker and unfortunately she’s now dead. My theory is that she passed away from incessant deep rooted kvetching. Yiddish Word -Definition: Kvetch, Kvetched, Kvetches, Kvetching: To complain persistently and whiningly - it also means to Squeeze Tightly...don't ask me why.

My mother would say “it’s not nice” to speak about the deceased in vain but I want to make it clear that I am not mocking the dearly departed, just merely providing you with a comprehensable definintion of what “GS” stands for in our society as well as rationalize why I have been diagnosed with this illness.

Some examples of living with GS:

1. Restaurant table placements

Banquettes are not recommended for those suffering from GS

Upon entering an eating establishment how many of you have noticed that tables tend to be placed in undesirable locations? Do you really like sitting near a kitchen door? How about being seated near the front entrance (especially in the Winter when patrons are constantly swinging it open – going in, going out). What about banquette seating? My least favorite type of layout…what is the point of this? You line a wall of tables that are side by side. There is a soft couch on one side and hard chairs on the other side. Before you are seated there are elements of discussion that ensue on WHO is going to sit on the couch and who will get the chair. Reminds me of a twist on a bible phrase "who shall live and who shall be uncomfortable on a hard chair". Nine times out of ten Steve gives me the big comfy couch. Two reasons: A) He hates sinking under the table and looking like a three year old who requires a booster seat and B) The only view he has is of ME and he's safer that way.
Entering and exiting a banquette can be tricky and tight. No matter how polite you try to be it’s 100% guaranteed that someone is getting my ASS in their face or their ASS in mine. There is also the probability of having to sit on your coat due to the fact the you can’t hang it on the couch you are trapped on. Another issue with being a wall flower is this….you can hear everything next to you and even worse they can hear everything you are saying. No private conversations on Wall Street. Then there are the drafts. If you sit under an air conditioner, vent or near a window you get the Breeze. Once there is a BREEZE I change tables or request a change in the air circulation. GS is also accentuated by a long line-up before the reservation. If you have pre-booked a table - why is it necessary to stand there? What's the point of having a reserved TIME to eat if you have to WAIT? Shouldn't it then be called a WAITERVATION instead? Let's move on to ordering. In an ideal world, you should be able to order, eat, pay the bill and leave in under 1/2 hour. Sure you can do that at a Junk Food joint but I like "fast fine dining".  My problem is I'm always starving and lately I need to be fed promptly.

Once those hot buns hit the table I am already buttering them before the server takes our order. Steve on the other hand, saves his buns. In fact, he is a longstanding member of the SAVE THE BUN society. There is only one plus to being a NON member - although they disappear quickly, I experience the pleasure of eating warm buns while Steve suffers with cold buns. Speaking of cold food....we move on to another GS issue. I used to be able to order anything substandard and not SEND it back to the kitchen. Now it's a different story. If it's not up to's returned for an exchange. I have learned to do this from Steve. He is an expert at food exchanging. This used to embarrass me in the past but lately my GS has been acting up and I refuse to eat second-rate food. The last thing I cannot deal with is food sharing. That's right. You heard me. If I order a dish, it's my dish. When a fork makes it's way across the table for a "little taste" I start getting a severe case of GS and have visions of stabbing the hand that is attached to the "said fork" making it's way over the cold buns. I'm okay with Chinese Food or Sushi for sharing but when it's a single plate with 4 shrimps - all 4 are mine. Got it? Good.

2. Long wait times

- GS folks must not be exposed to long delays

Since I spend the majority of the day at work I don't have much exposure to long wait times but there are a few that trigger my GS.
Why do I have to be ON HOLD with any customer service related industry that states you must press 3, 5 and 8 on your touchtone phone and wait on the line? And then there is the music. Please stop the music. I learned a little trick from an e-mail I once received. Dial the number - wait for the automated Nar to come on the line and then furiously press 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 - watch what happens - you have totally screwed with their voice activated system and it has no other choice but to place YOU in priority sequence. Granted it may be to the wrong department but once you have someone ALIVE answer just play dumb and you will get transfered. Try it.  Return lines - Purchase Lines......another favorite hobby of mine. My second home is WINNERS. I spend most of my spare time navigating, buying and and returning items from this store.  Shopping at WINNERS is an art. You must know how to play the WINNERS game. Spot the item, hold the item, walk with the item, don't put the item down, run with the item, stand in line with the item, buy the item, take the item home, try the item on, put the item back in the bag, take the car and drive back to the store, stand in line...return the item. Do you know what you win at WINNERS?....your money back (within 10 days - receipt required). It's like a lottery. I get a rush when they refund my money back into my chequing account. What I can't understand is this...why is it that when they do issue you a refund on your debit card, and you punch in your 4 digit password - it says ..."refund approved"? Why wouldn't it be APPROVED? Would the bank NOT be taking back my money? Duh.

Not withstanding my GS I still have controlled my patience while looking through racks and racks and racks of shmatas (rags). The problem always lies in the line to purchase or to return. Undoubtedly you are going to get behind an idiot with a million breakable items or clothing with buttons that have to be undone to come off the hangers. Then of course the security tags that are on the clothing inevitably get stuck and the poor check-out person has to use the "jaws of life" to release them. Who invented those ? Must have been a locksmith. Here's a problem with the RETURN line. People will return clothes without their original receipt. You are then subject to showing your driver's licence and passport when you try to give the item back without the accompaning bill. This causes delays and triggers the GS in yours truly. Are you aware that I have every receipt to every purchase I have ever made in my entire life? Ask Steve if you don't believe me. There are boxes and boxes (neatly stacked) in my basement of INVOICES, STATEMENTS and RECEIPTS. Ask me to find a one....I can do it.

3. Fluorescent Lighting

People with GS react negatively to this type of illumination
Actually most humans - the majority of them women, don't cope well with this type of lighting. First of all let's do a little history on Fluorencent lighting shall we?

Edmund Germer is credited by some historians as being the inventor of the first true fluorescent lamp. However, it can be argued that fluorescent lamps have a long history of development prior to Germer.

George Inman and Richard Thayer - The First Commercial Fluorescent Lamp

George lead a group of General Electric scientists researching an improved and practical fluorescent lamp. Under pressure from many competing companies the team designed the first practical and viable fluorescent lamp (U.S. Patent No. 2,259,040) that was first sold in 1938. It should be noted that General Electric bought the patent rights to Edmund Germer's earlier patent.
*Do you care about this? I know you don't but there is a point to this....just wait.

It's clear to me that the fluorescent light bulb was invented to make women look like shit. Harsh light not only brings out flaws, it can create the illusion of flaws that aren't actually present. Those with GS deal best with soft lighting but preferably darkness. Why? Take a look at yourself NAKED in the mirror of a fitting room that is bathed in this type of lighting. What do you see? Here's a list:

a) Wrinkles
b) Lines
c) Pores
d) Green skin tone
e) Blue skin tone
f) Yellow skin tone
g) NO skin tone
h) dimples on your cheeks (both sets)
i) Gray hair - even if you don't have Gray hair
j) bags, sags and skin tags

What is clearly noted is that these lights were conceived by MEN and especially ones that don't live with women who have GS.

Parking Spots
- GS is a handicap and deserves special treatment

You have probably figured out by now that people like myself with GS have virtually no patience with anything. There is a theory behind getting a good parking spot in a crowded lot. One must wait patiently in an aisle until a shopper walks towards their car to leave. One must then put their "plinker"(signal) on to indicate that one is going to take the spot once the shopper enters the vehicle and backs out of the spot. Those with GS have no time to wait in a parking aisle. I usually drive in circles until I spot someone walking towards their car and then I stalk them. Drive slowly behind them..follow...follow....follow until ......they dart into ANOTHER aisle for their car and disappear. Then there are those who will enter their car and sit there until they have applied makeup, shaved, talked on their cellphones, eat their lunch and have a nap. I still have my "plinker" plinking just in case there is a chance they will leave.....which they will eventually do when the mall closes. How about having your spot hijacked? Tough to remain calm when you have GS. At times like that I wished I drove a tow truck. Wouldn't that be great?  Wait for the hijacker to walk into the store.... Hook up the car and leave it in a fire route..... on the other side of the mall. By the way, I will be lobbying the Provincial Government to provide specific spots for people with GS. Right next to the ones for Mother's and Tots..... time I go to the mall I am taking a stroller with me....that might just work.

Married people with GS
 - Counselling may be required
So besides having to deal with GS I am virtually perfect. What? I think so. Anyways, living with Steve I have learned to cope with certain aspects of his idiosyncrasies that drive me nuts. In my earlier blogs I have told you about some of his habits. Remember the Apple Carving, Snoring, Squeeking, Menu Studying etc. etc.? Well, he has a couple more that I haven't revealed to you yet. You decide if this is something that would bring out the GS in me. Television Remote Flippitation and Fighter Jet Toothpicks. Let's start with the flippitation issue. I think most men have this disease. Constant channel flipping. CONSTANT. There are various shows that Steve will choose. What intrigues me most about his viewing choices is this....if by chance Top Gun with Tom Cruise is on for the hundreth time that's what he watches. How many times can ONE person watch the same movie? It doesn't matter at which point he catches the flick....he will land on it and watch. Unbelievable. This leads me to tell you about his other habit. I believe it ties into his favorite movie. After every meal Steve makes himself a fighter jet toothpick. YES... A FIGHTER JET TOOTHPICK....remember the imaginary space his has between his two front teeth (that I feel like knocking out sometimes?) Well, remnants of food get in there and since Steve is concerned about the environment he won't cut down anymore trees to make real toothpicks. Hence he makes himself a toothpick from a serviette.....everyday......three times a day.....and to drive me crazy he leaves the Top Gun Pick on his plate for me to find. I wish it was sharper.      

1 comment:

  1. You are just toooooo funny!!! lOVED IT.