Friday, February 5, 2010

I'm sorry but this item has been "discontinued" and SpongeBob Steve Trackpants

I have a fear of being discontinued. I assume one day I will be, but for now let's talk about why everything I happen to like ceases to exist. I know it’s not just me but I do believe it's a genetic thing. When I was growing up my mother had a favorite lipstick. It was the lipstick of the 60's. Not sure if it was made by Estee Lauder or Elizabeth Arden but I do remember the name of the color - TANGO ROSE. The shade went perfectly with her olive skin, dark hair and exotic looks. She wore that lipstick for years until one day - it was....... discontinued. How could they discontinue TANGO ROSE? Was my mother the only one in the world who wore it? Was she the only one who could carry off that color? For whatever the reason, Tango Rose was no longer on the shelves and that was the first time in my life I heard the phrase "I'm sorry but this product has been discontinued". Forward to the future. It started with a dip. Yes, a dip. SummerFresh made a Chicken and Herb dip that I loved. I could dip anything into that dip. Chips and dip. Carrots and Dip. Bread and Dip. Dip on a bun. Dip on the run. Dip just for fun. Dip by dip it was it was greatest was my snack on crack-ers..and then one day....MY dip disappeared. An empty spot in it's usual place in the snack section of the grocery store. All the other dips were there......mine was missing.

I searched through every dip in the refridgerated section and could not find a dip close to my beloved DIP. And then I heard that dreaded phrase again when the Store Manager said "I'm sorry but this product has been discontinued". He could clearly see that I was distraught after learning that IT was gone and suggested that I stay in the store to hang out in the dip section to come to terms with the loss of my food item. I thought about my dip...perhaps it had gone to a better place....a place where discontinued items go when they are unpopular....or are only loved by yours truly.... After spending some time digesting the news I decided that there was only one thing that I could do.....I stopped eating dip.....until one day....... I found a replacement dip that had an uncanny resemblance to my old dip with the exception of the fact that it was Tofu-ish instead of Chicken-ish.

The dip was the start of my "discontinued" item issues. Following the dip drama there was my: Blush, salad dressing, fruit cocktail drink, lemon coconut cake, orville's lightly salted popcorn no butter flavour, Rice Krispie Square Cereal, Rugrats & Scooby Doo Kraft Dinners,
L& L sauce, eyeshadow quad, farfel, perfume, nail polish, shampoo, sunscreen and most recently my sweatproof 24 hr Sport makeup. "I'm sorry but these products have been discontinued". I have pictured where my favorite things have gone - they have been sent to a warehouse (probably located in Mexico) for discontinued items and are sitting right next to..... my mother's Tango Rose lipstick. One day I would like to visit them... and maybe I will.

Talking about discontinued things – let’s move on to Steve. No, he hasn’t been discontinued but some of his body parts could use replacing. Steve acquires some kind of sports related injury every year. Here’s a list of his parts that have sustained an injury since I have known him:

  • Wrist
  • Hand
  • Shoulder
  • Knee
  • Leg
  • Groin
  • Back
  • Finger
  • Eye
  • Nose
  • Elbow
  • Toe
  • Foot
  • Tailbone
  • Forehead (see the bump?)
  • Chin
  • and an assortment of muscles,ligaments and tendons

Keep in mind his active life....he plays hockey, baseball, golf, squash, racquetball, runs, Scubas, Sails, SkyDives, lifts weights and cycles. He has even had an injury from holding his handlebars too tightly on his motorcycle. Being a “man” he naturally wants to continue slowly disintegrating until he is bandaged from head to toe and turns to dust. Last night after dinner he informed me that he devised a way to continue playing while he awaits an MRI for his latest knee ailment. He is planning on wearing kitchen sponges inside his hockey gear to prevent him from the impact of falling on his “wounded” knee. Kitchen Sponges! Is this normal? Am I now married to SpongeBob (Steve) trackpants?

When I go to sleep at night I brush my teeth and get into bed. When Steve goes to sleep at night he must first set up his hospital room to prepare for full traction mode. His goal is to position himself accurately to assist him with his disorders. There is a large pillow that goes along the length of his body to keep him from rolling over on his "bad side". He ties his arm to his waist with a tensor bandage so that it doesn't wander up around his head..... thus avoiding the probability of numb finger syndrome. Then of course a wooden board is beneath his mattress to facilitate a restful night for his back. Have you heard of the fairy tale the Princess and the Pea? I live with the Prince and his homemade medical aid shit. So romantic. Oh and it all started when he was a toddler. I discovered that he did jail time for "odd" behaviour. His mother had the right idea to place him in a cage. At least she could keep an eye on his antics. Do those bars look safe to you? He has come a long way since his release from the cage. Now that he is out on good behaviour he tries to hurt himself by doing other insane things. According to the illustrations below I need some sound advice on the prospect of increasing HIS life insurance policy. Yes?

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