Driving down the Don Valley Parkway I demurely enquired if perhaps there was a chance that he could put the Air Conditioning ON. Back in the early courting days I was demure. You have to be demure for first impressions. Once the dating goes beyond a few years the demureness slowly wears off, goes out the window and is replaced with the REAL DEAL. So... I asked about giving me some cool air to which Steve replied "The car is equipped with Air Conditioning however it is not recommended that it be used while driving it in hot weather". Uh? So in otherwords you can use the Air Conditioner in the Winter and the Heating/Defroster in the Summer? I'm fighting to stay DEMURE. The situation was this.......the car needed to be on life support while it was standing still. The battery needed to be plugged in otherwise the car would not start. So while it is in driving mode, the air conditioning would suck the life out of something thus making the car stall during motion. There were numerous issues that surrounded the car and Steve aptly named it a "No good son of a Nyippin Nyappin son of a bitch Upside down backwards in a canoe piece of shit". I know it's a long name ....good thing he didn't have to write it down on the Licence Renewal.
His mechanic diagnosed three things:
A) Steve (Griswald's) car needed to be thrown out
B) Steve's date (me) was going to be perpetually sweaty and frizzie.
At one point MO thought Steve actually lives in his car because he discovered a shower head in his backseat. My husband can eat, sleep, shower and build a home from his vehicle.....all while driving. We are finally on our way downtown. It is now 6:30 p.m. (reservation reminder....7:00 p.m.). As we pull out of the driveway Steve starts "self frisking". Self frisking is the act of touching oneself briskly to search for concealed items on your person. "What are you looking for now"? I ask. "I think I left my wallet at home", he says. "Are you sure"? I say. "Yes, I can't find it", he answers. Now we are pulled over to the side of the road and he is still "self frisking" with an addition of rummaging through the car's glove and armrest compartments. "Should we go back and look at home"? I query. "Hold on", he says. Let me look one more place. He then undoes his seatbelt, lifts his butt off the seat and reaches into his back pocket where .....VOILA! There's his stinkin wallet. Time now...6:35 p.m. - we are still on our street. Here's where Steve Griswald transforms into Stefano Andretti. I am anxiously awaiting the G-Force to hit as we make our way onto the main road. The ride begins with an estimate of what intersection we will be hitting at what exact time. It's precisely like being prepped for takeoff in a full size jet.
Here's an excerpt of Steve's conversation with himself:
"In 5 minutes we will be at Bayview and Steeles, if I don't get a red light I can make it to Finch in another 3 minutes. Once I get to Finch it is only 7 minutes to Sheppard. I'm hopping on Hwy 401 and shooting over to Avenue Road. That should only take another 2 minutes. I am going to count all the cars I pass while driving up the shoulder. If Avenue Road isn't too busy it will only take 8 minutes to get to Bloor. Once we get to Bloor I can let you out of the car (while I'm doing 60km per hour) and you can run in and get a table while I look for a parking spot"
During this explanation there are a slew moving violations occuring:
1. Excessive Acceleration (otherwise known as burning rubber)
2. Following too Closely
3. Failure to Yield
4. Failure to Yield to Emergency Vehicle
5. Failure to Signal
7. Improper Passing
8. No Seatbelt (Only while looking for the missing wallet)
9. Wrong Way on a one-way street.
11. Failure to Stop - Failure to go
12. Contemplating Parking in Front of a Hydrant
13. Contemplating Parking in a No Parking Zone
14. Contemplating Parking at a Broken Meter
15. Contemplating Parking within the Provincial roadway allowance
16. Obstruction of Roadway and
17. Failure to be ON time for the reservation
As I am adding up the demerit points while these are transpiring I acquire a new tone in my voice. This only comes through when Steve is driving. It mimics a high shrill and goes something like this....Steeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvve.......waaaaaaaaaaaatccccchhhhhh oooooooooowwwwwwwwwwtttttttttttt. If you were able to read my body language you would notice that my hands are in gripping position, my neck is stiff and my birth canal is shut tight. Not sure how he does it but we are at the restaurant at 7:01 p.m. and I am already seated at 7:03 p.m. but still waiting for him to park. This is the time I look at the menu and decide what to eat. I don't know why I bother getting a head start on the food selections (Steve the menu studier is coming). Something that you may not know about me. I will not go to a restaurant ALONE. I would rather do TAKEOUT than sit by myself in an eating establishment pretending to be independant and happy with my own company. I am looking around to see if the other patrons think I'm a loser or if I have been STOOD up by my date. What's taking Steve so long to find a parking spot !
I start looking out the window and spot Steve running down the street towards the restaurant. I wave happily as he goes by the window so he knows where I am seated. He looks flushed as he rushes towards me. "Did you get a nice spot" I ask? "Not too bad" he says. "It's only about 5 blocks up the street", he points out. Five blocks up the street? I am thinking I might need a cab to get to the car later. I watch as my hubby settles into the seat, places his coat behind him, picks up his menu and then gets a familiar look of panic on his face. "Did I lock the car"? he asks. "How the heck would I know if you locked the car, you let me out while the car was still moving"! I answer. "Well, I can't remember if I did", he says. I am now sitting alone AGAIN in the restaurant while Steve is outside running past the window away from the restaurant towards his car. I'm also imagining that those seated around me truly believe that my husband had an argument with me and left. Bear in mind that the car is parked in another municipality and he is jogging over to ensure that it is secured. I look out the window after a few minutes and I see him passing by the window for the third time. As he is once again settled at the table - the menu is studied - our order is placed and we can finally enjoy each other's company - he looks at me with loving eyes and says "I have to pee"...."be right back".