1. I'll be right back ....just have to grab my wallet from the car....(exit...never come back)
2. I have to show these to my husband and he's waiting in the mall...(exit...never come back)
3. Can you hold these? ( exit....never come back)
4. Is there a bathroom in the mall? ( exit....never come back)
5. What time does the mall close because I need to get to an appointment? (exit...never come back)
6. I need to take a walk to think about this purchase (exit.....never come back)
7. Got to grab a drink in the foodcourt to take my prescription pill with.... (exit...never come back)
So I grab MO and tell MISS BOOBER that we need to go for a walk...please hold the suit....(we never came back). MO then informs me that if he was there by himself he would have bought anything from her because of her large chest.....why are men so dumb? The good news is....MO and I went through Zones 1 through 6 and ended up back at Zone 1 across from the first store. We walked in and spot a salesman who is wearing a measuring tape around his neck because he's a professional and confident that we will not leave the store without a purchase no matter what excuse I come up with. "Can I help you", he asks? "Yes, please", I say. "My son needs a grey suit from the back of the store, not the front, not the middle, keep walking towards the back", I motion. The reason why is this. The front of the store houses the Banker/Wall Street Suits - Is MO a banker or a stock broker? NO. The middle of the stores houses the EMPLOYED FULL TIME suits - Is MO employed full time? NO. He is a student. The back of the store houses the suits that are for those who wear a suit twice a year. Perfect for MO. He slips on the jacket and pants in his size and emerges from the changeroom......runway model material. Out comes the measuring tape and my credit card - mission accomplished in over 6 zones.
- COLD FEET
- UPPER STOMACH PAIN
- SUDDEN ONSET OF FEVER
I instruct Steve not to die because I have no patience to date again. As well, I double check that the life insurance policy has been kept up do to date.
Having had three boys I can predict an oncoming stomach bug-look but not this time. This time it presented more like the after effects of a bad corned beef sandwich rather than the flu. You see, Thursday night we had take-out from the Pickle Barrel. I have the same SAFE thing everytime I go there. Honey Mustard Chicken Wrap, side salad and a kabob of fruit. Steve on the otherhand orders a SEMI-POISONOUS deli plate with corned beef, rye bread and mashed potatoes. When he orders this meal I can't help but think of my dearly departed Uncle Zelig. Uncle Zelig was a jolly man. He was also quite jiggly. I attribute the jiggliness to an over indulgence of processed deli meats..... and then he died.....from eating tons of corned beef...I swear...that's why. According to the American Journal of Medicine Corned Beef is one of the top ten foods that causes IBS otherwise known as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. My fear is that if Steve keeps up the habit of Corned Beef platters he will end up with UZD (Uncle Zelig Disease).
Steve refuses to believe that his STOMACH ailment could come from anything but a flu-like bug. Pretty interesting that he is the only one in the family who had both the Seasonal Flu Shot and the H1N1 vaccine and still ends up with this so-called FLU. When you suffer from UZD the onset of symptoms can appear quite rapidly and mimic the flu. I have monitored his progress over the past two days and this is what I have observed.
- He has joined a native Indian Tribe
- His new name is Chief Sitting Shiva (mostly because of the growth on his face and the sullen look in his eyes)
- He has been reciting some sort of tribal chant (Ow oh oh Ow oh oh Ow oh oh)
- He has been secretly playing in the NHL for the OTTAWA SENATORS (because according to Steve, his teamates have the same flu bug)
- He is working for Israeli Intelligence (due to the explosive nature he is capable of displaying during the night - he has become a Human Scud Missile)
- His appetite hasn't really subsided as he has put away three large size TWISTER BAGELS in the course of 24 hrs
- His whining has given me a new outlook on life (I actually love going to the gym now ....for extended periods of time)