Sunday, March 7, 2010

Boxers & Briefs are Better than nothing, Grey is Suitable for Mo and In Sickness there is Wealth

5 a.m. - what are you usually doing at 5 a.m.? I know what I'm doing....sleeping ....but last Tuesday was a different story. The perks of being married to someone who is in the Security Business is .....a free alarm system. Fully installed and monitored by the man who owns the company. Lucky me! At 5 a.m. last Tuesday...with all in the house tucked under the covers asleep nice and cozy toasty....the alarm started blaring throughout the deep darkness.  Enter Steve - A.K.A. - The Alarm Guy.... and exit to almost 11 years ago. When I first met Steve I wondered if he was a boxer or brief guy. Wouldn't you have wondered the same? Normally this would not be something of importance to those who were dating but if you followed my dating experiences - they were far from normal. So I wondered......boxers or briefs......and to be honest if it was brief so was the relationship. Could I judge a man by his choice of underwear? Yes. Why? Because boxers are sexy and briefs....well..... briefs are not. Case closed in my mind. It's no wonder I had 52 blind dates. Somewhere down the line the mystery of what Steve was wearing under his trousers was revealed. He was not a brief man.....nor was he a boxer man......he was enrolled in the armed forces......A commando type. Ugghh. Just as I was starting to like him I discovered that nothing came between him and his Calvins. Not only did he save on laundry without having to worry about underwear I also noticed that he preferred to sleep without the addition of clothing as well. I can't relate to this type of barbaric birthday suit behaviour. In the Summer I have to have on my little shorty shorts and a tankie and in the Winter I have to wear the little tankie with long pj's. Steve's sleepwear has no seasonal value......he wears the same suit every is not a factor. I have offered to buy him several pairs of proper nightwear but he refuses to put them on. I believe he feels like he is back in the womb while he sleeps. He's in the womb while I'm in the room. Give me strength.  Here's my point.....we are sleeping at 5:00 a.m. last Tuesday and off goes the ALARM SIRENS. I bury my head deeper under my covers hoping that whoever or whatever set the siren off will go away quickly....but it is still ringing......I suddenly feel alone in bed...for good husband is running around in the buff downstairs trying to "fix" the problem. It wasn't a simple remedy but Repairman Steve figured it out. Diagnosis? Loose contact on the sliding door. When I saw Steve in the morning I asked him if we were robbed. Notice how the boys never left their safe rooms to find out if we were being ransacked? Huge chickens. So Steve assured me that we would always be safe with him around. I have to think about that for a minute. We are all secure with someone who can't conceal a weapon because of his desire to live in nudist colony? I don't think so. It's time to buy my own gun.

The last suit I bought my middle one (MO) was over nine years ago for his Bar Mitzvah. With two other brothers having new threads it was at his request that he get new attire for some upcoming family events. Off we went to Vaughan Mills to do some shopping. Just in case you didn't know, please realize that my children don't "shop" well. They are typical men with no patience for malls and stores. When MO said he wanted to go to find himself a new suit I was surprised. Let's see how this pans out once we get there. I don my FUGGS for comfort - it was dry outside so there was no chance of a slip and fall. Once we entered the mall parking lot the fun began. Finding a spot was easy as it was not peak hours for suit shopping. I had a strategic plan set forth for the specialty men's stores. We start at one end of the mall and with any luck we get a suit at the first store we visit. Understand this...Vaughan Mills is not really a mall is a small city with Zones similar to suburbs. We entered in Zone 1 - Store #1.  Store # 1 used to have "specials". Buy a suit - get a free tie, shirt, socks and belt. I am looking for the Buy One get lots of free shit sign and it's nowhere to be found. Hmmm....I haven't been in this store for three years. Thinking back I realized that we shopped at this store pre-recession. Now they don't have to give anything away for free anymore because if you need suit you are going to buy one regardless if there is any incentives. As we walk into the store we notice that it is empty with the exception of two sales people - a guy who thinks he is G-d's gift to the world and a well endowed girl in flip flops. Uh...isn't it still Winter? Who wears flip flops at the beginning of March? It's not pedicure season yet! So we both approach the desk where these two "sales people" are poised. "Is there anyone here who can help us find a suit", I ask politely? The G-d's gifter isn't interested....the Boob Babe grudgingly comes out from behind the counter. MO asks for a grey suit. Simple grey suit. Nothing fancy. Miss Boob goes for the most expensive suit in the joint. "What happened to your buy one get four free things sale", I inquire? Miss Booblee just stares at me and says "Wow, that sale must have been going on before I started here a few years ago". Now MO is in the changeroom with the pricey suit and I tell her to find a few other choices. Miss B. now goes to try to find more suits. She returns to let us know that there is nothing in MO's size. Enter G-d. He brings a couple of choices for MO that Miss Boobers obviously missed because she had trouble seeing the racks because of her rack. MO continues trying on jackets that fit and pants that don't. You's suits come in Jacket size with pants that match in a size that whoever makes these two piecers think YOU SHOULD BE. So for example, a size 40 Jacket has a size 34 Pant. A size 42 Jacket has a size 36 pant. There is where the problem arises......MO is a 40 Jacket and a possible 35 pant. This is the part where I ask Miss Top Heavy Rack if there are mix and match suits to which she replies "no, we have none left". Enter G-d's most wonderful creation in his own mind again.....holding a two piece suit that is mix and match but is BLACK. What part of Black is Grey? Mr. G-d I'm fabulous wasn't too smart. Once MO exhausted the entire grey collection I decided to step in and suggest to BOOBHEAD the old "can you please hold this one for an hour and we'll be back routine". I have many "get out of store lines quickly" up my sleeve:

1. I'll be right back ....just have to grab my wallet from the car....(exit...never come back)
2. I have to show these to my husband and he's waiting in the mall...(exit...never come back)
3. Can you hold these? ( exit....never come back)
4. Is there a bathroom in the mall? ( exit....never come back)
5. What time does the mall close because I need to get to an appointment? (exit...never come back)
6. I need to take a walk to think about this purchase (exit.....never come back)
7. Got to grab a drink  in the foodcourt to take my prescription pill with.... (exit...never come back)

So I grab MO and tell MISS BOOBER that we need to go for a walk...please hold the suit....(we never came back). MO then informs me that if he was there by himself he would have bought anything from her because of her large chest.....why are men so dumb? The good news is....MO and I went through Zones 1 through 6 and ended up back at Zone 1 across from the first store. We walked in and spot a salesman who is wearing a measuring tape around his neck because he's a professional and confident that we will not leave the store without a purchase no matter what excuse I come up with. "Can I help you", he asks? "Yes, please", I say. "My son needs a grey suit from the back of the store, not the front, not the middle, keep walking towards the back", I motion. The reason why is this. The front of the store houses the Banker/Wall Street Suits - Is MO a banker or a stock broker? NO. The middle of the stores houses the EMPLOYED FULL TIME suits - Is MO employed full time? NO. He is a student. The back of the store houses the suits that are for those who wear a suit twice a year. Perfect for MO. He slips on the jacket and pants in his size and emerges from the changeroom......runway model material. Out comes the measuring tape and my credit card - mission accomplished in over 6 zones.

Friday night - We are all gathered around the table for dinner to celebrate the purchase of MO's suit. Just as we are digging in Steve suddenly stops eating, clutches his stomach and puts down his fork. "I don't feel so good", he says. I immediately start diagnosing the symptoms.
Sounds like a heart attack to me....It's a good thing I'm not a doctor eh?
I instruct Steve not to die because I have no patience to date again. As well, I double check that the life insurance policy has been kept up do to date.

Having had three boys I can predict an oncoming stomach bug-look but not this time. This time it presented more like the after effects of a bad corned beef sandwich rather than the flu. You see, Thursday night we had take-out from the Pickle Barrel. I have the same SAFE thing everytime I go there. Honey Mustard Chicken Wrap, side salad and a kabob of fruit. Steve on the otherhand orders a SEMI-POISONOUS deli plate with corned beef, rye bread and mashed potatoes. When he orders this meal I can't help but think of my dearly departed Uncle Zelig. Uncle Zelig was a jolly man. He was also quite jiggly. I attribute the jiggliness to an over indulgence of processed deli meats..... and then he died.....from eating tons of corned beef...I swear...that's why. According to the American Journal of Medicine Corned Beef is one of the top ten foods that causes IBS otherwise known as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. My fear is that if Steve keeps up the habit of Corned Beef platters he will end up with UZD (Uncle Zelig Disease).

Steve refuses to believe that his STOMACH ailment could come from anything but a flu-like bug. Pretty interesting that he is the only one in the family who had both the Seasonal Flu Shot and the H1N1 vaccine and still ends up with this so-called FLU. When you suffer from UZD the onset of symptoms can appear quite rapidly and mimic the flu. I have monitored his progress over the past two days and this is what I have observed.
  • He has joined a native Indian Tribe
  • His new name is Chief Sitting Shiva (mostly because of the growth on his face and the sullen look in his eyes)
  • He has been reciting some sort of  tribal chant (Ow oh oh Ow oh oh Ow oh oh)
  • He has been secretly playing in the NHL for the OTTAWA SENATORS (because according to Steve, his teamates have the same flu bug)
  • He is working for Israeli Intelligence (due to the explosive nature he is capable of displaying during the night - he has become a Human Scud Missile)
  • His appetite hasn't really subsided as he has put away three large size TWISTER BAGELS in the course of 24 hrs
  • His whining has given me a new outlook on life (I actually love going to the gym now ....for extended periods of time)
In conclusion we are all waiting with baited breath to see if this in fact is a contagious form of the Norwalk virus or a simple case of UZD in which case we are all safe...except for Steve.

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