The Witches of Quogue Return - Part Four - Absence Makes Steve's Beard Grow Longer

As with all good things....they must come to an end. If you are one of my faithful readers I'm sure you are thinking to yourself......how in hell can a one week holiday (45 minutes by air to the destination) turn into a War and Peace style four part novel? Do you know me? I am blessed with the ability to have explainable occurences everywhere I go.  Most of you realize that I can't leave the United States without searching for some of my beloved discontinued items. On the evening before I was scheduled to leave the tranquil surroundings of the Hamptons, I asked my niece if we could make a quick stop at the local Rite-Aid to look for my Revlon SPF 25 Sport Makeup that is no longer available in Toronto. We both went in to look around...they didn't have my stuff but we couldn't leave without posing for pictures. My photo shoot took place caressing the Christmas Cookies and my niece....well...her shoot took place showcasing her addiction to Coke. This all took place while my nephew and the baby waited outside in the car - starving.

We continued on to one of the local haunts we had visited back in the Summer. Tony's Asian Fusion Restaurant. They serve the most amazing dish I have ever tasted - Boneless (yes Boneless) BBQ Ribs. Mr. G. on the other hand is more of a noodle man and loves the Cantonese Chow Mein. From time to time he is also likes to visit the other tables in the restaurant to make sure everyone is enjoying their meals - "A Wandering Jew".

After dinner, I decided to do my online check-in and boarding pass. My flight was booked to depart from La Guardia at 7:30 p.m., on Saturday while my niece and nephew's flight was leaving at 10:30 a.m. As you can see, that's a long lag between flights so I thought it may be a good idea to check if there was an available seat so that I could accompany them home. This is what I found - Air Canada - Economy Class - $704 to purchase while an upgrade to an Executive Class seat was priced at $264. Was there anything to think about here? NO. I made a quick call to the airline, switched my flight and looked forward to the experience of being pampered in First Class for my 45 minutes of flying time.

So what are some of the perks of flying "First Class"? :

Private Check-in Area (for me, Michael (Kors) and Louis (the Fooey)
Priority Bag Tags (this means you don't have to watch everyone's black suitcases go around in circles for a half hour until yours come out)
Larger Comfy Seats ( Some aircraft have seats that convert into lounge beds - which I wouldn't sleep in because I don't close my eyes onboard in case the Captain needs me for anything)
Wider Arm Rests (for people with wide arms?)
More Leg Room (so that I can stretch my legs and look at my new boots from Target)
Welcome Cocktail (which I don't drink)
Lots of free booze (which I don't drink)
Choice of "Gourmet" meals (which I will definitely eat)
Daily newspaper (which I don't read)
Free Headphones (which I don't need)
Attentive Flight Attendants (My personal Air Bitchezzzzz)

Here's the story. I boarded the airplane which was the same "puddle jumper" I flew in the Summer. There are about nine seats in first class configured like this - Two, Two and Two on the right side of the plane and One, One and One on the left side. I was in a single seat in the last row of this part of the cabin. Basically I was situated near the curtain that separates US from THE REST. I placed my coat up in the overhead compartment while trying to maneouver Michael and Fooey beside my feet. I was psyched to be catered to for the duration of my 45 minute flight. Meantime, back in coach, my niece, nephew and Mr. G. were settling in for the journey. I planned on visiting them during the journey but not until I was tired of being "attended to". I didn't want to miss any of the good stuff by walking through the curtains.

I sat and waited for Round One of First Class treatment. As if on cue, my air bitch approached with a hot towel to freshen us up for the "long" journey. She then returned with a silver tray that held some plastic glasses filled with orange juice and champagne. Hmmm...this was good....the spoiling had started and we hadn't even taken off yet. This was definitely the only way to travel. Once we started down the runway and gained momentum it came to mind that I had no one beside me to squeeze for takeoff....so.....I held on tight to Michael and kicked Fooey as we lifted off the ground. Waiting for more spoiling as the seatbelt light turned off I could smell something baking in the galley. I was imagining that the First Class AB's (Air Bitches) were preparing a full breakfast for me - eggs, pancakes,sausage, bacon....perhaps a fresh croissant with homemade preserves......steaming hot coffee and then maybe another HOT towel to wipe off the stickiness of the jelly? This is what I got instead. A cup of coffee and a slice of Banana Bread - A jail meal. I finished the piece of bread in 5 seconds and went past the curtain to visit my family in row 22. I was expecting to find the baby sound asleep in the arms of my niece. They usually travel back and forth from New York to Toronto in this fashion. At takeoff, he falls asleep and when landing he wakes up. The perfect child to travel with......what I found was a bit different from the scene described above.

I found him with a mouthful of crackers and a set of rockstar sunglasses on .....not exactly out like a light. I also noticed that he was in the arms of his father and not his mother. The balance of the flight was as follows.....once he spotted his Auntie D. and became aware that I was on the same flight as he was all hell broke loose. He would not sleep, he would not sit still and best of all he became "stiff legged" when it was time to buckle up and land. The new rules for travelling with this kid are....we need to board the plane in disguise and he is not allowed to be seated anywhere near his father or for that matter any relative but his birth mother.                                                 

I managed to steal him for a few minutes to give his parents a break and went back to my seat beyond the curtain. The AB's thought he was the cutest and gave him a piece of First Class Banana Bread....without even having to pay for an upgrade. Once I deposited him back to the arms of his waiting parents I returned to the solace of my seat. I reflected on the past week. The food, the fun, the dancing we did with Mr. G. and oh the shopping! It was a wonderful holiday with great memories. I also couldn't help but think how much I missed my husband. I know he was working hard during the time I was away and I also know that he missed me by the tone of loneliness in his emails. I was looking forward to seeing him at the airport when we arrived. I left Steve in good hands, under the watchful eyes of YO, MO and FO. I knew that my four men would be just fine for the short time I was away (especially when you equip them with the three C's - CASH, CAR and CREDIT CARDS. We landed on time at YYZ and I made my way to the retrieve my PB's (Priority Bags) - which were already off and spinning around on the carousel. We flew through Customs without any effort. I was excited to see Steve waiting beyond the big frosted glass doors that preclude the waiting public from the arriving passengers. As we exited the doors my niece said "are you sure Steve is here to pick you up? I don't see him". I looked around and didn't see him either.....fearing that he may be circling the parking loop I reached for my blackberry to call him when I saw a strange looking man sauntering over towards me. The man looked like a cross between Snoop Dogg and Shaun White. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder....I'm not sure what transpired here but I do know this....my kids are lousy babysitters.