Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Steven Craig Diet

Let me introduce to you a fabulous new diet trend. Gain 25 pounds every year, lose 25 pounds every year to break even by swimsuit season. Oh, this is not my's Steves. Ever since I have known Steve....which is now coming up to 11 years now....he has had a deep secret......he has been involved with another woman and her name is Sally Fritter. Sally is deeply tanned (fried), sweet, plump and a bit fruity. Sally sneaks into his life for about six months out of the year. When confronted, Steve shyly admits that yes he has been tasting the irresistible sugar laden treats behind my back but his rationale is ....that an Apple Fritter is considered a fruit and fruits are good for you. Recently some tabloids have exposed Steve's other dishes. He has been seen canoodling (in public yet) with the likes of Kathy Knish, Cindy Cookie, Irene Ice-Cream, Patty the Polish Sausage, Darlene Donut, Petulia Pizza. Eveline Eclair, Felicia French-Fry, Penelope Pepperoni and from time to time the sultry Savannah Sparerib. (Savannah is the type of woman every woman loves to hate - she's all bones and no meat).

It's a good thing I am not the jealous type when it comes to all the delacies my husband seems to be addicted to. The issue is this....he is cheating. Not on me, but instead he is betraying his body. If I calculate the amount of weight he has gained and lost over the last 11 years it is as follows:

Weight gained: 275 lbs
Weight lost: 275 lbs
Ideal weight:168 lbs
Ideal weight + weight gained if not lost = 443 lbs

So if he actually didn't lose the weight, didn't go the the gym regularly and kept it on I would imagine he would look something like this guy in the boat.

Each year we hear the same song and dance.... "Tomorrow I am starting to watch what I eat", says Steve. Now, "tomorrow" could be a Monday, a new month, a new moon, the end of a year, the beginning of a year, the first day of Spring, the last day of Winter, the day after his birthday, the day before his dental cleaning and sometimes Earth Hour brings thoughts of a cleansing to his mind. Nonetheless, the goal is to START watching his diet before an occasion. Summer is considered an occasion. A trip to a sun drenched beach is an occasion and the Annual Physical is definitely an occasion.

He starts the "Steven Craig" diet by cutting out anything with a possible calorie count. So in other words, he limits the consumption of foods that are laden with fat, sugar, carbohydrates, hydrogenated oils and flour. Here's a sample menu:

Breakfast - 4 egg whites with 6 strawberries
Snack - Apple
Lunch - Steamed vegetables with an extremely pale chicken breast
Snack - Plum
Dinner - one helping of whatever is for dinner (not four)
Snack - Grapefruit

I refer to it as the air diet. It's so the air.....

Living with someone who is IN LOVE with food isn't always a picnic. When Steve is in the + 25 lb mode I can go shopping with him and he buys everything without question. It's the best time ever! We can usually do our outting for groceries in less than 40 mintues. When Steve is in the minus 25 lb mode here's when things get a bit ugly. We enter the supermarket:
A) I am told that we cannot buy shit,  junk and crap
B) I am told to only purchase things on the shopping list
C) I am lectured on how I bake too much
D) I am also lectured on how unhealthy the kids will be if I continue the baking trend
E) I am at the end of the aisle waiting
F) He is at the beginning of the aisle reading the labels of every product on the shelf
G) He throws me a package of low fat, no salt, no calorie, see through, bite size crackers which look like the wafers that you see at a church mass.
H) I put something in the cart, he takes something out of the cart

We checkout with our air foods and we go home
Not my idea of a good time.

What transpires if we happen to be travelling during the time of the minus 25 pound zone? Well according to the Steven Craig diet - buffets don't count. So in other words, a buffet is an acceptable inclusion to the diet as long as you only eat buffet foods for two weeks in a row. The result of this type of binge is ..... you are up 5 pounds but based on the fact that if you are away most likely you are down to your ideal weight and you only have 5 pounds to lose when you come home. See how that works? Well no. It doesn't work that way. You's like this. Once you start the ball never stops until you gain 20 more pounds and you are back at the starting gate and you're searching for Carmela the Creampuff all over again.

As much as I don't notice any weight gains on Steve (because I always think he looks great) it's hard to not pay attention to what he looks like in his Mary Kate Olsen stage. Once he starts eyeing my skinny jeans I know I have trouble on my hands. I yearn for the days where he has those naughty cravings (Sally, Kathy, Felicia, Eveline, Darlene .....and all the others that have been patiently waiting to once again enter his cart).

Now in comparison - here's my diet.
I want
I eat
I kill myself at the gym
I fit into my clothes
end of diet.

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