Shopping bad and Keep Your Eye on the Phone.

Last week I accompanied my mom to an extensive dental procedure. What's the best thing to do while waiting 3 hours?....uh...go to the nearest mall of course! I haven't had the opportunity to just cruise slowly through a shopping mall lately. My usual mall experience is this......run out of the car......run into the store.....grab a few things that I know are going to be returned......end of shopping experience. As I made my way in I felt a rush of excitement enter my veins.  I was actually going to enjoy this. I darted into the first store. One of my faves...H & M.  I made my way through the place in under 20 minutes. Bought two pair of shortie shorts, 4 T-Shirts and a stupid looking scarf which I thought could sub as a beach cover-up. (just as a side note - the scarf/pseudo beach wrap was returned after my middle one A.K.A. MO told me it looked like the serviettes Boobie uses at Friday night dinner....oh and the shortie shorts ....um...well....they made my upper thighs look like sausages so bye bye to those as well)

I have taken note that my REAL size is not the size I need to buy at this store. You see my real size is somewhere between a 4 and a 5. Since most stores don't sell 4 and a halfs I can get away with squeezing my butt into 4's if I am lucky. NOT at H & M.

This store manufactures their clothes for the Twiggy/Kate Moss waif types. Do I look like one of these chicks? I don't think so. I was not born with skinny long legs. I have my father's legs. Not "model" legs but more "athletickie" type gams. I can't wear their pants unless I buy them 2 sizes bigger to fit my tuchas (yiddish word for ASS) and then I have an issue with the waist size so I don't even bother trying to dress my bottom half in that store. I pay for my soon to be returned items and make my way to the next store.

I have heard (from my son's girlfriend) that there is a must-see store called XXI FOREVER. Or as she calls it FOREVER 21. Since I am nowhere near 21 nor will I EVER be 21 again I am skeptical about going in but once I hit the doorway I get carried away with the enormity of the store and the lighting. The lighting is acceptable. Not too many flourescents. I pick out a few things thinking that if I am not thrilled with them I can always bring them back. You see, I am not interested in shopping in a store without a RETURN policy that allows you to BRING IT BACK and get your money fully refunded. If there is one thing I can't stand it's the dreaded CREDIT NOTE.

As I am making my way to the cashier I stop a young sales girl to ask what their return policy is....to which she answers: "um like, if ya don't like, um, want it, you can, like, return it in, like 7 days for like a credit note, which like, you can like, buy something else, like if you want for like, I think, like maybe the credit note is like good for like a year".

This is when I handed her LIKE all the clothes that LIKE I was holding and LIKE ran out of the store....because I don't LIKE credit notes. NEXT! 

I am always comfortable and safe at my usual hangout - WINNERS so that was my next shopping plan for the week. Steve was busy most of the day Sunday ....doing what? Well you see....in the Spring and Summer he rides his two wheeler (Motorcyle). He is obsessed with having the perfect ride so this week he bought himself a couple of new fenders that are bigger than the ones he currently has on the bike. The new fenders were "used" and happen to be ORANGE with bright flames on them. These were unacceptable as is so Steve is having them painted silver and black to match the rest of his bike. Is this story long and boring? Yes...I am getting to the good part...just wait....

In order for Steve to have the fenders painted he needed to PREP them. He spent hours sanding and "futzing" with them until he discovered that he needed to go to my other favorite store - HOME DEPOT for some extra whatchamacallits to go on his bike. As soon as I heard that he needed to GO there my ears perked up. I was sans wheels because FO needed my car to write an exam....yes on a Sunday they write University exams...I know it's stupid but at least he is finally graduating. I needed a ride to WINNERS and Steve was my only hope ...other than the bus. I asked Steve if he would mind dropping me off and then go on his merry way to Home Depot and this is the response I received:

" You have exactly 15 minutes to go to WINNERS...I am not waiting a second more because I have a lot of "shit" to do at home and I am not in the mood to have you waste my time hanging around while you browse slowly around the store". Steve instructed.

hmmmm....15 minutes for an expert WINNERS shopper is not a bad deal IF you are only concentrating on a single article of clothing or shoes. I think I can do it. Maybe. So I agree. But first I have to wait for a load of laundry to finish before we leave so Steve informed me that he will be outside and continue sanding his piece of orange metal with the flames until I was ready. The washing machine stopped...I threw the stuff in the dryer and I ran out to find Steve in the car waiting impatiently and tapping his foot. He was covered in grease and looked like he worked in an autobody joint. "Are you going like that", I asked? "Like what" he answered? "Like that....all greasy and stuff", I said. "Uh, Ya..I am running into Home Depot so I don't need to put a suit and tie on", he said.

We pulled out of the driveway and he zoomed down the road. He then turned the corner on the feeder street....and just as we were coming towards the main intersection lights Steve slams on the brakes! "Crap! Where's my iphone" he screamed!! As most of you know....Steve misplaces things....he loses things....he finds things....the majority of the time he retrieves things intact but he has been known to lose things that are recovered in a million pieces. A couple of years ago he was wearing his bluetooth while he was watering his zucchini's. The bluetooth fell out of his ear in the backyard but he didn't realize it until the lawncare boys mowed the grass and chopped up the wireless device finer than he could dice a vegetable grown in his garden. Okay...back to present day and the missing iphone. Steve u-turned the car and drove back to the house to look for his phone. He did the usual...pat down the pockets, phone the phone, turn everything upside down, phone the phone again until I asked "Where did you last have your phone Steve"? To which he answered....are you ready for this? "I think I left the phone on the hood of my car". "YOU WHAT" I said? "Why would you leave the phone there", I asked? "I dunno" he said. "But let's try to look for it on the road" he suggested.  And so, he retraced the route to scope out the road for his "missing" phone. Are you picturing this? He is driving slooowly down the street looking out of his window while I am looking out of my window and at the same time checking my emails on my blackberry. What? I was helping to look wasn't I ? We did this drive twice with no luck and ended up back in our driveway. Here's what was going through my mind during the incident:

1. The missing phone was impeding on my 15 minute shopping spree.
2. How do I HELP Steve find his phone without laughing?
3. Why was Steve constantly dialing his phone from my cellphone? (If you call it a couple of times in the area that you "thought" you misplaced it you might hear it but calling it 16 times will give it wings and make it magically appear?)

As time passed it was evident the the iphone was nowhere in sight. And then.. ..youngest one came home from work. He actually flew past us in the car on one of our scavenger phone hunts.....we were exiting our street and he was entering our street like a racecar driver. When we returned....empty handed.....YO asked "wuz up? He could sense by the look of horror on Steves face that something was wrong. I explained that Steves phone has vanished (for a change). "Oh....that's not good", said YO. He then offered to join the search and rescue team. Once again we scoured through the house, in the garage, on the driveway and yet again came up with nothing but the sound of my phone calling his phone and connecting to his voicemail. YO suggested that he go back in the car and look for it on the road.....particularly after watching Steve running around with his"stressed and terrified" face on.

YO took off down the street and we were just about to follow him when here comes YO honking and waving out of the car window HOLDING the iphone!!

Where was it? At the bottom of the street in the middle of the road. Clearly, Steve and I are both blind and didn't see it when we drove OVER it 4 times ! Luckily the phone was intact. YO was now a hero in my eyes because I could finally go to Winners for 15 minutes. Looking quite relieved Steve got into his car after giving YO a big hug and off we went. Do you think the story ends here? I don't think so.

I looked at Steve and said "well maybe next time you won't be such a NAR and leave your phone on the hood of your car".....

To which he replied "well maybe next time you won't DELAY me by having to do the laundry which in turn forced me to find something to do and then I had to leave the the phone on the hood while waiting for you.....it's all your fault".

um....did he just twist this whole thing around and lay the blame on MOI?

According to my husband, it was because of ME that HE left the phone on the hood of his car while he puttered around outside.

Let's take a POLL here.

Please check off one of the boxes below if you think it was:

• MY FAULT
• HIS FAULT

Next time I take the bus........