Diagnosis?.......Kneemonia with a touch of Sportsmindedness

Well it’s not everyday that your husband has surgery. Was it major? No. But nonetheless it was still surgery. Let’s talk about why he “needed” to have this procedure done. You see, Steve is a “sportsman”. He loves to play a variety of sports which inevitably guarantees an injury to one of his body parts. Back in his high school days he played on the football team. I’m amazed at the results of him wearing those football shin pads. Due to the constant rubbing of these “said” pads he has NO HAIR growth on certain parts of his legs. They are as smooth as silk. If I had known that all it took was that……I would have joined the Football team and traded in my Lady Shick.

As Steve progressed through life he joined up for weight training, golf, running, baseball, squash, hockey and biking. His main focus when concentrating on all these activities at the same time is how to bind, wrap, secure and protect all the parts that he has injured or is sure to injure while at play, during play or post-play. So where do the tensor bandages go ? It’s a menu of choices……does it go around his knee, around his elbow, his wrist, around his leg, over his shoulder, near the Achilles tendon, beside his groin, around the area of his groin, near but not too close to his groin, wrapping his toe, wrapping his finger, covering his head, wrapping his head, surrounding the area between the head and his feet?

This can get quite confusing but Steve has an array of “tensors” and "braces" to ensure that he can still enjoy getting injured while he protects his currently wounded body parts.

So let’s talk about the fact that it’s finally come down to surgical intervention in order to fix Steve. It all started on the squash court. Steve hasn't played squash in a long time but after joining the gym a few years ago he longingly watched his buddies on the courts run back and forth after a miniscule ball that bounces at lightening speed off the walls of a small enclosed tomb-like area with high ceilings and a glass wall for spectators.

I “Googled” the act of playing the game of squash and it is defined as follows:

1. Squash is played between two individual (singles) or two teams of two (doubles) on a Squash Court.

2. One player serves to start a rally which proceeds until one player hits the ball out or down or fails to hit the ball before it has bounced twice.

3. Squash can be played using a couple of scoring options, traditional scoring and point a rally scoring.

4. Squash Players having a social game can modify the rules to their own requirements.

This is what transpires during the game of squash played between my husband and his “gym” friends:

  

1. Book a court at the gym

2. Walk into the squash court and close the door

3. Hit the ball and try to aim for each others exposed flesh

4. Run sideways a million times, crash to the ground and bleed

5. Try to get up from the floor

6. Try to see your partners serve through your protective eye gear while shvitzing (sweating) like a pig

7. Run sideways a million more times and crash into a wall while stopping yourself with your hand.

8. BLEED AGAIN

9. Yell obsenities when your partner hits you in the head with a small missile-like object

10. FALL down again

11. Game over

12. Limp up the stairs to the main fitness area

13. Stop limping when you see your wife working out in the main fitness area

14. Walk into the changeroom and fall down again

15. Limp around the changeroom after you shvitz like a pig again in the steamroom

16. Try to lean on the shower wall to keep yourself upright

17. Try to bend over to put on your socks and shoes

18. Limp around again

19. Walk out to the main gym area without a limp

20. Drive home

21. Fall down again onto the couch

22. Ask your wife to pull you up off the couch to have your next meal

23. Game over….again.

And then there is Baseball. In this sport, MY husband NEEDS to play the part of “catcher”. His necessity to capture the coveted spot on the team is a stipulation. If he can’t be a “catcher” he doesn’t play. Take a look at what positions catchers stay in the entire game. They are crouched down in a squat pose OR they are kneeling on the ground. Fabulous for your knees. Especially knees that have already experienced years of wear and tear by treating them stupidly.

This is where the story gets good. Over the past year it has come to Steve’s attention that he can’t GET UP anymore. When he is sitting, he can’t GET UP. When he is bending he can’t GET UP. When he’s lying down he CAN’T GET UP. So what’s the point? When you can’t GET UP anymore you required to repair the problem. After a series of medical appointments with a variety of physicians and a pot pourri of tests – Radiographs, Ultrasounds, MRI’S, CSI’s etc., conclusive evidence pointed to – a torn meniscus, which in laymen’s terms means a piece of torn cartilage in his knee.

And so the surgery was scheduled for April 20th at 1:30 p.m. ( a nice normal hour for surgery). Not too early ....not too late. The plan was to drop Steve off at the hospital at 11:30 a.m. for his pre-op admission. He marked both his knees...one with a YES and one with a NO just in case the Doctor was "unsure" of what leg to operate on....only Steve would do this by the way...

When I returned I parked my car in the lot where you must purchase a ticket from those idiotic automated machines. Simple enough eh? Why is it that I always have issues with automated devices? Here's what tranpired.

• I put my credit card in the machine
• it popped out
• I put it in again
• it popped out again
• there was a message flashing on the machine screen
• "Card not accepted - Unreadable"
• I look at the instructions on the machine
• "place card in this way with strip facing down"
• I put the card in with the strip facing down
• the card popped out........AGAIN!
• just as I was about to start "fist banging" the machine an elderly gentleman in a safari hat walked past me and simply said "out of order"

• Then I went to the next machine on the opposite side of the parking lot and tried again.
• I put the card in
• It popped out
• I put the card in again
• It popped out again
• I checked the strip ....it was to the bottom right side down
• I put the card in......and it said
• PROCESSING.....

Then I had a decision to make......do I buy 1 hour, 2 hours or a full day pass....I went for the full $15 day pass and guess what? I only needed an hour.

I made my way into the hospital to search for my broken husband. I was instructed to go to the second floor and look for Room 282. That's where they dispose the bodies after they come out of surgery. The second I entered the hospital I got my usual feeling of "hibbiejibbieness". It happens everytime the aroma of hospital air hits me. I find room 282 and don't see Steve but I see other bodies that aren't looking so great. He still must be in a "holding tank" somewhere else. I approached the main desk to ask about him and the "mean" nurse told me that he is probably still in "surgical" recovery which was different from room 282 recovery. She told me to go sit at the end of the hallway on some rubber chairs to wait patiently for the "patient". I positioned the chair to face the end of the hallway and put on my "lookout" glasses. I didn't want to miss the "gurney" arrival. As I was working on my blackberry I sensed a familiar voice coming from the end of the hallway. I peered over my glasses and there was Steve....smilin, wavin, and shoutin..."there's my beautiful blondie!...there she is!!"

I was really happy to see him alive...albeit slightly stoned on morphine. I gave him gingerale with a straw and asked him how he was feeling....he looked up at me cross-eyed and asked if I could possibly fish out his Iphone from the gross plastic hospital bag that housed his personal belongings. .... It wasn't 3 minutes after they wheeled him into room 282 that he needed to make a business phone call in his current drugged state of mind ....what happened to the days when you were not allowed to use a cellphone in a hospital? Once he finished his gingie and the phonecall the nurse asked him to get dressed. Wow...that was fast. Drugs, surgery, recovery, gingerale and out ya go in less than 2 hours.

I went to get the car and waited for the hospital orderly to wheel Steve from Room 282 to the curb. Once I saw Steve emerge from the emerg exit, I carefully threw him into the car and off we went. And then my main concern was PUKE. I was hoping that he wouldn’t. Especially in my car. Before I returned to pick Steve up I made a pit stop at Fortino’s. I bought some chips, gingerale and some banana’s for the ride home. Don’t ask me why I bought bananas. The real reason was not to subside Steve’s possible urge to barf…..it was because Steve has an issue with bananas. He rations them. If I need a half a banana a day for my cereal and only use one and a half bananas during the week, I usually freeze all my leftover dead banana halves for future baking uses. What am I getting at? Oh yes, my banana ration for the week was depleted ahead of schedule so I needed bananas. Oh my G-d. What does this have to do with Steve’s surgery? Yes ….I know….I was thinking that IF Steve was sequestered to the house for the next few days and needed my assistance I would not be able to have a banana. That’s my point.

Once we reached home I was wondering if I needed to carry him into the house but instead – miracously – he walked. Yes folks, he walked by himself as if he was cured by an Evangelist. "YOU AH HEALED". Once inside he plopped himself down on the couch and started flippitating the remote control. Lo and behold he flippitated to the AMC Channel and found one of his favorite movies to watch – take a guess? You got it…….TOP GUN. I don’t know anyone on this earth that has watched TOP GUN more than Steve has – not a million, not a billion, not a zillion but probably a DILLION times !!

Since he was in post-surgical state I didn’t want to make my usual comment which is…. “WHY YOU ARE WATCHING THAT STUPID MOVIE AGAIN! …DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO….THIS IS NOT NORMAL”.
Instead I let him be in peace…..and continued on my merry way into the kitchen to prepare his ice pack for his knee. The hospital released him with a two page list of instructions and a prescription for some heavy duty pain meds. On the list were a multitude of things to do and not to do. Amongst them were:

• Soft diet to start

• Do not remove the tensor bandage for 48 hours

• Take it easy for 72 hours

• Do not get the incision wet

Very simple to follow... if you're not Steve.

Here was his plan.......
• Soft diet to start – Steve ate Pizza and Salad

• Do not remove tensor bandage for 48 hours – Steve removed the bandage to examine the surgical site within 48 seconds

• Take it easy for 72 hours – Steve went to work and to the gym the next day

• Do not get the incision wet – Steve showered with a strap-on Longos Bag the next morning

Was there a point to giving Steve a list to follow? Does he ever follow instructions included in a box? No.

The only issue he had the next morning was trying to put his socks on. For this task he needed my help. Here's something else you may not know about me. I have a thing for feet. I don’t like them. I know they help you walk and all but feet are not one of my favorite body parts. I would sooner come face to face with an armpit than a foot. It was on the morning of April 21, 2010 that I was presented with “the foot” and had no choice but to tend to it. I tried not to think about “the foot” and struggled to get “the foot” inside “the sock”. Don’t get me wrong…..Steve has nice feet. They are always groomed and don’t stink but I don’t care…….it’s still a foot. I tried my best not to gag……but as I was putting “the foot” inside “the sock” I noticed I was making Ew! Ew! Ew! noises……

I am happy to say that I only needed to put the sock on the FOOT once. The next day …..Steve managed himself ….most likely because he didn’t want any further “foot drama”.

And then Steve watched TOP GUN again 4 times within a week between the convalescing and not following the list….a perfect end to a successful procedure. Stay tuned....his wrist is bothering him now.

Shopping bad and Keep Your Eye on the Phone.

Last week I accompanied my mom to an extensive dental procedure. What's the best thing to do while waiting 3 hours?....uh...go to the nearest mall of course! I haven't had the opportunity to just cruise slowly through a shopping mall lately. My usual mall experience is this......run out of the car......run into the store.....grab a few things that I know are going to be returned......end of shopping experience. As I made my way in I felt a rush of excitement enter my veins.  I was actually going to enjoy this. I darted into the first store. One of my faves...H & M.  I made my way through the place in under 20 minutes. Bought two pair of shortie shorts, 4 T-Shirts and a stupid looking scarf which I thought could sub as a beach cover-up. (just as a side note - the scarf/pseudo beach wrap was returned after my middle one A.K.A. MO told me it looked like the serviettes Boobie uses at Friday night dinner....oh and the shortie shorts ....um...well....they made my upper thighs look like sausages so bye bye to those as well)

I have taken note that my REAL size is not the size I need to buy at this store. You see my real size is somewhere between a 4 and a 5. Since most stores don't sell 4 and a halfs I can get away with squeezing my butt into 4's if I am lucky. NOT at H & M.

This store manufactures their clothes for the Twiggy/Kate Moss waif types. Do I look like one of these chicks? I don't think so. I was not born with skinny long legs. I have my father's legs. Not "model" legs but more "athletickie" type gams. I can't wear their pants unless I buy them 2 sizes bigger to fit my tuchas (yiddish word for ASS) and then I have an issue with the waist size so I don't even bother trying to dress my bottom half in that store. I pay for my soon to be returned items and make my way to the next store.

I have heard (from my son's girlfriend) that there is a must-see store called XXI FOREVER. Or as she calls it FOREVER 21. Since I am nowhere near 21 nor will I EVER be 21 again I am skeptical about going in but once I hit the doorway I get carried away with the enormity of the store and the lighting. The lighting is acceptable. Not too many flourescents. I pick out a few things thinking that if I am not thrilled with them I can always bring them back. You see, I am not interested in shopping in a store without a RETURN policy that allows you to BRING IT BACK and get your money fully refunded. If there is one thing I can't stand it's the dreaded CREDIT NOTE.

As I am making my way to the cashier I stop a young sales girl to ask what their return policy is....to which she answers: "um like, if ya don't like, um, want it, you can, like, return it in, like 7 days for like a credit note, which like, you can like, buy something else, like if you want for like, I think, like maybe the credit note is like good for like a year".

This is when I handed her LIKE all the clothes that LIKE I was holding and LIKE ran out of the store....because I don't LIKE credit notes. NEXT! 

I am always comfortable and safe at my usual hangout - WINNERS so that was my next shopping plan for the week. Steve was busy most of the day Sunday ....doing what? Well you see....in the Spring and Summer he rides his two wheeler (Motorcyle). He is obsessed with having the perfect ride so this week he bought himself a couple of new fenders that are bigger than the ones he currently has on the bike. The new fenders were "used" and happen to be ORANGE with bright flames on them. These were unacceptable as is so Steve is having them painted silver and black to match the rest of his bike. Is this story long and boring? Yes...I am getting to the good part...just wait....

In order for Steve to have the fenders painted he needed to PREP them. He spent hours sanding and "futzing" with them until he discovered that he needed to go to my other favorite store - HOME DEPOT for some extra whatchamacallits to go on his bike. As soon as I heard that he needed to GO there my ears perked up. I was sans wheels because FO needed my car to write an exam....yes on a Sunday they write University exams...I know it's stupid but at least he is finally graduating. I needed a ride to WINNERS and Steve was my only hope ...other than the bus. I asked Steve if he would mind dropping me off and then go on his merry way to Home Depot and this is the response I received:

" You have exactly 15 minutes to go to WINNERS...I am not waiting a second more because I have a lot of "shit" to do at home and I am not in the mood to have you waste my time hanging around while you browse slowly around the store". Steve instructed.

hmmmm....15 minutes for an expert WINNERS shopper is not a bad deal IF you are only concentrating on a single article of clothing or shoes. I think I can do it. Maybe. So I agree. But first I have to wait for a load of laundry to finish before we leave so Steve informed me that he will be outside and continue sanding his piece of orange metal with the flames until I was ready. The washing machine stopped...I threw the stuff in the dryer and I ran out to find Steve in the car waiting impatiently and tapping his foot. He was covered in grease and looked like he worked in an autobody joint. "Are you going like that", I asked? "Like what" he answered? "Like that....all greasy and stuff", I said. "Uh, Ya..I am running into Home Depot so I don't need to put a suit and tie on", he said.

We pulled out of the driveway and he zoomed down the road. He then turned the corner on the feeder street....and just as we were coming towards the main intersection lights Steve slams on the brakes! "Crap! Where's my iphone" he screamed!! As most of you know....Steve misplaces things....he loses things....he finds things....the majority of the time he retrieves things intact but he has been known to lose things that are recovered in a million pieces. A couple of years ago he was wearing his bluetooth while he was watering his zucchini's. The bluetooth fell out of his ear in the backyard but he didn't realize it until the lawncare boys mowed the grass and chopped up the wireless device finer than he could dice a vegetable grown in his garden. Okay...back to present day and the missing iphone. Steve u-turned the car and drove back to the house to look for his phone. He did the usual...pat down the pockets, phone the phone, turn everything upside down, phone the phone again until I asked "Where did you last have your phone Steve"? To which he answered....are you ready for this? "I think I left the phone on the hood of my car". "YOU WHAT" I said? "Why would you leave the phone there", I asked? "I dunno" he said. "But let's try to look for it on the road" he suggested.  And so, he retraced the route to scope out the road for his "missing" phone. Are you picturing this? He is driving slooowly down the street looking out of his window while I am looking out of my window and at the same time checking my emails on my blackberry. What? I was helping to look wasn't I ? We did this drive twice with no luck and ended up back in our driveway. Here's what was going through my mind during the incident:

1. The missing phone was impeding on my 15 minute shopping spree.
2. How do I HELP Steve find his phone without laughing?
3. Why was Steve constantly dialing his phone from my cellphone? (If you call it a couple of times in the area that you "thought" you misplaced it you might hear it but calling it 16 times will give it wings and make it magically appear?)

As time passed it was evident the the iphone was nowhere in sight. And then.. ..youngest one came home from work. He actually flew past us in the car on one of our scavenger phone hunts.....we were exiting our street and he was entering our street like a racecar driver. When we returned....empty handed.....YO asked "wuz up? He could sense by the look of horror on Steves face that something was wrong. I explained that Steves phone has vanished (for a change). "Oh....that's not good", said YO. He then offered to join the search and rescue team. Once again we scoured through the house, in the garage, on the driveway and yet again came up with nothing but the sound of my phone calling his phone and connecting to his voicemail. YO suggested that he go back in the car and look for it on the road.....particularly after watching Steve running around with his"stressed and terrified" face on.

YO took off down the street and we were just about to follow him when here comes YO honking and waving out of the car window HOLDING the iphone!!

Where was it? At the bottom of the street in the middle of the road. Clearly, Steve and I are both blind and didn't see it when we drove OVER it 4 times ! Luckily the phone was intact. YO was now a hero in my eyes because I could finally go to Winners for 15 minutes. Looking quite relieved Steve got into his car after giving YO a big hug and off we went. Do you think the story ends here? I don't think so.

I looked at Steve and said "well maybe next time you won't be such a NAR and leave your phone on the hood of your car".....

To which he replied "well maybe next time you won't DELAY me by having to do the laundry which in turn forced me to find something to do and then I had to leave the the phone on the hood while waiting for you.....it's all your fault".

um....did he just twist this whole thing around and lay the blame on MOI?

According to my husband, it was because of ME that HE left the phone on the hood of his car while he puttered around outside.

Let's take a POLL here.

Please check off one of the boxes below if you think it was:

• MY FAULT
• HIS FAULT

Next time I take the bus........

The Steven Craig Diet

Let me introduce to you a fabulous new diet trend. Gain 25 pounds every year, lose 25 pounds every year to break even by swimsuit season. Oh, this is not my diet.....it's Steves. Ever since I have known Steve....which is now coming up to 11 years now....he has had a deep secret......he has been involved with another woman and her name is Sally Fritter. Sally is deeply tanned (fried), sweet, plump and a bit fruity. Sally sneaks into his life for about six months out of the year. When confronted, Steve shyly admits that yes he has been tasting the irresistible sugar laden treats behind my back but his rationale is ....that an Apple Fritter is considered a fruit and fruits are good for you. Recently some tabloids have exposed Steve's other dishes. He has been seen canoodling (in public yet) with the likes of Kathy Knish, Cindy Cookie, Irene Ice-Cream, Patty the Polish Sausage, Darlene Donut, Petulia Pizza. Eveline Eclair, Felicia French-Fry, Penelope Pepperoni and from time to time the sultry Savannah Sparerib. (Savannah is the type of woman every woman loves to hate - she's all bones and no meat).

It's a good thing I am not the jealous type when it comes to all the delacies my husband seems to be addicted to. The issue is this....he is cheating. Not on me, but instead he is betraying his body. If I calculate the amount of weight he has gained and lost over the last 11 years it is as follows:

Weight gained: 275 lbs
Weight lost: 275 lbs
Ideal weight:168 lbs
Ideal weight + weight gained if not lost = 443 lbs

So if he actually didn't lose the weight, didn't go the the gym regularly and kept it on I would imagine he would look something like this guy in the boat.

Each year we hear the same song and dance.... "Tomorrow I am starting to watch what I eat", says Steve. Now, "tomorrow" could be a Monday, a new month, a new moon, the end of a year, the beginning of a year, the first day of Spring, the last day of Winter, the day after his birthday, the day before his dental cleaning and sometimes Earth Hour brings thoughts of a cleansing to his mind. Nonetheless, the goal is to START watching his diet before an occasion. Summer is considered an occasion. A trip to a sun drenched beach is an occasion and the Annual Physical is definitely an occasion.

He starts the "Steven Craig" diet by cutting out anything with a possible calorie count. So in other words, he limits the consumption of foods that are laden with fat, sugar, carbohydrates, hydrogenated oils and flour. Here's a sample menu:

Breakfast - 4 egg whites with 6 strawberries
Snack - Apple
Lunch - Steamed vegetables with an extremely pale chicken breast
Snack - Plum
Dinner - one helping of whatever is for dinner (not four)
Snack - Grapefruit

I refer to it as the air diet. It's so light...it floats...in the air.....

Living with someone who is IN LOVE with food isn't always a picnic. When Steve is in the + 25 lb mode I can go shopping with him and he buys everything without question. It's the best time ever! We can usually do our outting for groceries in less than 40 mintues. When Steve is in the minus 25 lb mode here's when things get a bit ugly. We enter the supermarket:
A) I am told that we cannot buy shit,  junk and crap
B) I am told to only purchase things on the shopping list
C) I am lectured on how I bake too much
D) I am also lectured on how unhealthy the kids will be if I continue the baking trend
E) I am at the end of the aisle waiting
F) He is at the beginning of the aisle reading the labels of every product on the shelf

G) He throws me a package of low fat, no salt, no calorie, see through, bite size crackers which look like the wafers that you see at a church mass.
H) I put something in the cart, he takes something out of the cart

We checkout with our air foods and we go home
Not my idea of a good time.

What transpires if we happen to be travelling during the time of the minus 25 pound zone? Well according to the Steven Craig diet - buffets don't count. So in other words, a buffet is an acceptable inclusion to the diet as long as you only eat buffet foods for two weeks in a row. The result of this type of binge is ..... you are up 5 pounds but based on the fact that if you are away most likely you are down to your ideal weight and you only have 5 pounds to lose when you come home. See how that works? Well no. It doesn't work that way. You see....it's like this. Once you start the ball rolling....it never stops until you gain 20 more pounds and you are back at the starting gate and you're searching for Carmela the Creampuff all over again.

As much as I don't notice any weight gains on Steve (because I always think he looks great) it's hard to not pay attention to what he looks like in his Mary Kate Olsen stage. Once he starts eyeing my skinny jeans I know I have trouble on my hands. I yearn for the days where he has those naughty cravings (Sally, Kathy, Felicia, Eveline, Darlene .....and all the others that have been patiently waiting to once again enter his cart).

Now in comparison - here's my diet.

I want

I eat

I kill myself at the gym

I fit into my clothes

end of diet.

Pass this over, Size does matter and I scream you scream we all scream.

Miss me? Well let’s just say it has been a very hectic couple of weeks. Let me see. Where do I begin? How about I start with the series of events that have transpired since I last wrote.

1. My sister turned 65 and we took her out to dinner

2. My sister turned 65 and her daughters threw her a big bash

3. My sister turned 65 and her daughter and son in-law brought the baby in from New York City

4. My brother’s daughter got married

5. My brother’s daughter got married and the wedding was the day before the first Seder

6. My brother’s daughter got married and the wedding was beautiful but there was cooking to be done for the first Seder

7. I made over 120 meatballs and a huge Tzimmes for the first Seder which was the day after my brother’s daughter’s wedding

8. My niece, nephew and baby came to visit my office

9. And then there were the two Seders

10. Did I mention that I needed to get my hair done for the 65th Birthday, The Wedding and the Seders?

So as you can see it has been a whirlwind of non-stop activities and thus there was no time to sit down and write a blog.

So it all started with a party size pizza which was ordered to represent the "last supper". The last supper takes place before the beginning of eight days of the celebration of Passover. If you are not Jewish and reading this let me give you the "Coles Notes" version of what the story of Passover is all about. We can start with the famous FOUR QUESTIONS (traditionally asked by the youngest male child - which for the past 11 years has been YO)

1. On all other nights we eat bread or matzah. On this night why do we only eat matzah? My answer? On this night we eat matzah because the International Prune Industry has underground connections to Israeli "matzah manufacturers". They work hand in hand. Their theory is to make the Jews eat the matzah and collaborate a plan to introduce a natural laxative such as prunes to combat the effects of constipation you acquire after trying to digest square pieces of cardboard for over a week. Thus the phrase "Let my people go".

2. On all other nights we eat all kinds of vegetables. On this night why do we eat only bitter herbs? My answer? We eat bitter herbs (small pieces of hideous tasting raw horseradish - which I hide in my serviette) because we remember all the bitter times way back in Moses' day....the truth is....he was a little cranky shlepping around his big rod and tablets all day long.......uh wouldn't you be bitter too?

3. On all other nights we do not dip our vegetables even once. On this night why do we dip them twice? My answer? Why not? It's the only legal time you can "double dip".

4. On all other nights we eat our meals sitting or reclining. On this night why do we eat only reclining? My answer? First of all it's a guy thing because the women never recline due to the fact we are running around serving the chicken soup, gefilte fish, meatballs, tzimmes and more food than a KING can eat. Who has time to recline? Well..reclining is a "KingISH" thing to do. If you happen to be a Jewish King you are supposed to RECLINE to the left - and now you know where the phrase "how are they hangin?" came from. Clearly they are hanging to the left  because of all the reclining in that direction.

We then go through our Passover book and remember the Ten Plagues that befell the Egyptians: blood, frogs, gnats, flies, diseased livestock, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, death of the firstborn. My analogy to all of the above?  Well aside from the thought of murdering your firstborn, I have experienced nine of those plagues in quite a few of the All-Inclusive Hotels we have visited in the Caribbean.

After dipping your pinkie finger into your wine and reciting each plague onto your plate you can finally eat.

Pretty frightening appetizers don't ya think?

There are also two Passover Seders? Why?  Because there is just too many players on the teams and usually two sides to every family story. So there you have it.......after reading the same book twice over the period of two days.....eating until you feel comatose and mustering the correct answers to the four questions you are left looking forward to "what to make for dinner that is acceptable kosher for Passover" for the next 6 nights. I have managed to disguise matzah into a mulitude of foods.....never once repeating a meal. You can convert this drywall-like delicacy into Italian, Chinese, Greek, Indian and Japanese food if you use your creativity. I think I may write a cookbook and title it "One hundred and one ways to connect with Matzah".

Can I now get back to the Pizza please? Thank you.

Over the past little while I have discovered something that most of you must have noticed yourselves. Things that used to be FAMILY size are no longer LARGE. For instance - the Party Size Pizza. How many people do you usually invite to your parties? I used to think a party is when you have ten or more attending. Try ordering a party size pizza and thinking you are going to feed more than five people. What's going on here? Why have pizzas shrunk but prices have gone up? Here's another example. Order a large fries at McDonalds. Do you remember when "Supersize Me" meant getting a portion fries large enough to share with four people? Not anymore. How about popcorn.....which by the way is one of the cheapest things to make. Popcorn is no longer a thing you can buy at the movies for small change. A credit, debit card or certified cheque is required to pay for a large size bag of popcorn. And what's worse is the way they fill the bag. You have to know their tricks. The concession stand NAR will lightly scoop and fill the bag without packing it down. When they bring it to the counter YOU THINK you have a full bag of corn when in reality you have a half a bag once you bang the bag down a few times. Robbery.

My biggest complaint is the simple ICE CREAM scoop. Over the years we have been frequenting our Summer haunts in search for the perfect scoop of ice cream. Steve will pick a flavour that no one likes so he doesn't get burdened with the "ya wanna lick question" and I pick the same flavour every time....BUTTER PECAN. Each year the scoops get smaller and smaller.

A small cone is now over $3.50. A double scoop can run about $5.99. Twelve bucks for two ice cream treats. The majority of the time I order my ice cream in a cup. Why? I figure if I save the calories on the cone I can have a bigger scoop of ice cream. Makes sense no? Steve on the other hand couldn't care less - if he is going to have ice cream he is going to get it with the works. This means a double scoop large enough to fill a waffle cone. I get a feeling of elation watching them scoop my cup o' cream.....until I am actually handed the cup and see that there is no more than two tablespoons of butter pecan in there. That's when the elation turns to disappointment and I have no choice but to shift into "slow eating" mode. The problem is whenever I start eating in a certain manner, Steve starts the competitive - "I can eat slower than you" shtick just to aggravate me. Can you explain this type of behaviour? I can't. Just to counteract the makeshift competition I start GOBBLING up my treat resulting in HIM still having a shitload of ice cream when I am just left sucking an empty spoon.

All I know is this.....Steve has a methodical way of eating most foods but especially ice cream. It starts with slow licks around and around the cone. This is then following by a chipmunk-like chewing of the cone itself. It's really fun to watch by the way. He goes round and round the cone until he is left with a mini size cone that is about 1/2 inch in height. It's really quite cute but totally annoying. Once he has reached mini cone status he has to show me what he has created (this happens everytime we have ice cream). The show ends with Steve either biting a hole in the bottom of the cone to drink the liquified ice cream from OR he just simply shows off by fitting the bite-sized cone into his mouth in one fell swoop. In lieu of searching for the perfect scoop of ice cream I have decided to forgo the small boutique stands and their stupid miniscule scoops. We are moving on to the big leagues now..........SUPERMARKETS!

Tonight YO and I went on a mission to find the ultimate family favorite, Breyers SUPER HIGH FAT Pralines & Cream so that we could make ourselves a normal GIANT size serving. Searching four separate stores over the past few days I was nervous that B.S.H.F.P.C.may be a another victim of my "discontinued" product list. At our last destination, LOBLAW, we turned the corner at the ice cream aisle and YO spotted the familiar blue container. He then dove into the freezer section while yelling "YO YO there's MAH ice cream"!! I swear he must have been born in Harlem and was accidently shipped here by mistake. I have to check that out one day. I will see if his real parents are actually searching for their little gangsta baby boy. YO YO.