Saturday, October 13, 2012

A Day in the Night of Us....

I'm not going to bother apologizing for not writing a blog in so long. Just forget it.

So why did I decide to do this today? I have something to tell you. It has to do with.. US and our nightly routine.

Nine times out of ten, Steve arrives home from work before I do. One of the reasons is that his office is based out of our technically, he comes home to work or leaves to go do work or he works from home and leaves to go out for something and then he comes home again and may not leave but says he's working although I know he's not but he thinks he is and has been caught looking at motorcycle parts on the internet when he says he really is "working" but we all know better. First problem with this scenario is that he works from our dining room table which drives me nuts.

Definition: dining-room table - dining-room furniture consisting of a table on which meals can be served
dining room, - a room used for dining
dining-room furniture - furniture intended for use in a dining room

Where does it say (in the above definition) that a dining room table can be used for a makeshift office? NOWHERE. When he moved in with me in 2001 he excitedly built himself an office in the basement. It was a combo office/man space which housed his "valuable possessions" such as ....his gladiator coat of arms (medieval times style....he slays things while wearing this?), swords (like he also needs these for something?), weight scales (for weighing what I don't know), a wooden Tahitian man (which scares the shit out of me) and of course a computer, phone, fax and a suspended flat screen T.V.

Then there is the TALL mountains of papers, old pens, bottles of unopened champagne, old hockey sticks, a psychedelic stereo sound system and a ceiling constructed from a white shroud fabric. Very warm and homey atmosphere. Tell me something? Does this not sound like an ideal office space? I think it is. So WHY IS HE AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE? He claims the reason for this is that he's "lonely". I have offered to send visitors down to see him but he hasn't agreed to check that box off on the landlord/tenant regulation list.

When I arrive home after work, I find my husband seated amongst a flurry of unnecessary items all over THE DINING ROOM TABLE. Before kissing him HELLO, my first words are always the same "this really needs to be cleaned up". To which he replies "oh yes, I was just going to tidy up in a minute". Ya right. What ensues next is dinner preparation, dishes to clean and a phone call to my dear mother to say goodnight... then it's my favorite part of the evening.....changing into my house outfit ( pajamas). Once the clock hits 8 p.m. EST ...there is the proverbial question from Steve..."do we have anything to watch tonight"?

Now this is where it gets interesting. I could tell you (without a calendar) which day of the week it is by the shows that are aired that evening. For instance, Amazing Race - it has to be Sunday night. Survivor - it's a Wednesday. Greys Anatomy - for sure it's Thursday. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (Triple D) thank G-d it's Friday. And so on and so forth...

In the olden two years ago...we had a VCR....we moved up in the tech world and upgraded to not one but TWO PVR's in the of which is in front of our DINING ROOM TABLE. I had no problem figuring out how to use this piece of machinery with the exception of the remote control which constantly doesn't sync with the TV and Cable functions of the PVR. Each night when I go up to curl up in my "nest" I take the remote in my hand and press ONE button and the TV screen comes on BLACK and the PVR remains OFF. I press another button and the PVR comes ON and the TV goes OFF. I press it again and the TV comes on with no picture and the PVR stays ON.

What happened to watching TV with just a simple ON and OFF button? This opportunity no longer exists.


He grabs the remote and in one fell swoop presses two or three buttons (which he refuses to tell me how to do) and voila...the TV and PVR miraculously appear in unison.

What shocks me is this. My husband is handy with almost EVERYTHING. His business revolves around installing complicated security systems in commercial and residential buildings. He has to program these systems, connect them to camera's and external applications and ensure that they function to his satisfaction. Not an easy task but he knows his stuff. Why am I shocked? Let me take you back to 10 years ago when he arrived on my doorstep with his OLD VCR. He had the unit for at least 5 years. It was very easy to use but he had no idea that it had the capacity to record shows up to 2 weeks in advance. How did he not know this? The fact that I had to SHOW HIM what to do automatically promoted me to the top of the IT department in our home...until I was faced with the ominous presence of our possessed PHR (Personal Hellish Recorder). The PHR has a mind of it's own. It records what it wants to record, it doesn't record what you want it to record and it constantly warns us that there is conflict within itself. It basically needs therapy or better yet the ultimate solution...REPLACEMENT.

When it comes to the different array of TV shows to watch, we have similar tastes EXCEPT for the programs Steve watches while I'm doing "important" things on my iPad. The lineup of some of these shows  watched simultaneously while flipping goes like this:

WTFW (What The F'k Wrestling)

S.O.A. (Sons of Anarchy or what I refer to it as S.O.A.B. - Shit On A Bike)

STORAGE WARS -Steve has most of the items on this show in his D.O. (Downstairs Office)

HOARDERS, BURIED ALIVE (once again...Steve's items in his D.O.)

LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD (a show about individuals who are born small but think tall)

and then there are the OLD movies on the HIGHER channels (that feature the walking dead, zombies and creatures from another planet with odd gross things coming out of their mouths... a perfect visual for me to see before I go to sleep)

Luckily for me, I can convince Steve to watch the majority of "my" shows as well. There is only one he will not participate in viewing...he refuses to SAY YES TO THE DRESS.

Our Shows usually begin with Steve in control of the FF on the remote. There is a skill to Fast Forwarding commercials without actually running into the next segment of the show. This will hereby be referred to as PTFF. Perfecting the Fast Forward. It then becomes a competition (of course) with Steve always being in the lead with his PTFF skills. I have to say, you need concentration and a steady hand to accomplish the PFF.

The only way you could ever fail in Fast Forward School is by falling asleep while fast forwarding. This occurs on a nightly basis. If by chance I also happen to not be paying attention, we have missed the entire show and did not pass the course at FFS.

The digital clock on the PVR now says it's 10:01 p.m. - which means it's SNACK TIME. This is also the best part of my evening (aside from my house outfit). Each night, we make our way down to the kitchen to make a "snack". Our snack can consist of  savory or sweet - mostly sweet on my part. The snack will also dictate the type of R.E.M. (Rapid Eye Movement) I will have while sleeping. Scientifically speaking (even though I not a trained scientist but I think I might have a knack for knowing these things), my snack will set the stage for whether or not I toss, turn, sweat, scream in my sleep. walk around like the Zombie I just saw or not sleep at all. You would think by now I would have learned NOT to snack at bedtime, but it has become a nasty habit that I love and I can't break it. I've tried. I can't. Please also note that while walking up the stairs with my "snack" I need to take a bite of it to make sure that I like it.

What I eat and what Steve eats at this time of night tends to differ. I will have a "quiet" snack whereas Steve will undoubtedly choose "noisy" food just to aggravate me. This would include, chips, pretzels, popcorn or even certain types of fruits. Strawberries tend to be the most annoying due to their tiny seeds and the sound they make while Steve chews them with his hollow head. That has to be the reason why these foods have such tremendous sound impact in the room. His head must have large voids which create an echo space within it's cavity, thus creating a louder than normal crunching noise. I'm not saying that Steve is dumb or that he has a small brain...just space...lots of space. Oh, and grapes make the same noise. I have no idea why.

Once snack time has concluded and the room is once again conducive to actually HEARING the show we are watching the final curtain falls for Steve. The remote loosens from his hand, it falls onto the bed and I usually hear his theme song playing under the covers.....THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.

Bedtime Poem for Steve....

Now I lay me down to sleep
I didn't need to count those sheep
My lids got heavy and started to fall
But I can still hear noises from down the hall
I sense the small light on the PVR
and I wonder if I've locked my car
The cat just jumped on to the bed
She makes her way towards my head
I start to think about things to do
Check my alarm? My iPhone? Or maybe poo?
I'm wide awake now and turn my head
My wife is snoring and can wake the dead
I gently shake her but she's still making noise
I  head downstairs to hang with the boys
No one in sight, I start flipping through stations
Hmmmm...I think I have seen this show on many occasions
Next thing I know, it's almost 3
I move back upstairs but first I pee
The night is dark and I trip and fall
Did that wake anyone, I wonder if all?
It's time for bed and I'm really tired
but for some strange reason, I'm still feeling wired
No one is watching and I know that I'm able
 So I think I'll go sit at my dining room table.

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