A Day in the Night of Us....

I'm not going to bother apologizing for not writing a blog in so long. Just forget it.

So why did I decide to do this today? I have something to tell you. It has to do with.. US and our nightly routine.

Nine times out of ten, Steve arrives home from work before I do. One of the reasons is that his office is based out of our home....so technically, he comes home to work or leaves to go do work or he works from home and leaves to go out for something and then he comes home again and may not leave but says he's working although I know he's not but he thinks he is and has been caught looking at motorcycle parts on the internet when he says he really is "working" but we all know better. First problem with this scenario is that he works from our dining room table which drives me nuts.

Definition: dining-room table - dining-room furniture consisting of a table on which meals can be served

dining room, - a room used for dining

dining-room furniture - furniture intended for use in a dining room

Where does it say (in the above definition) that a dining room table can be used for a makeshift office? NOWHERE. When he moved in with me in 2001 he excitedly built himself an office in the basement. It was a combo office/man space which housed his "valuable possessions" such as ....his gladiator coat of arms (medieval times style....he slays things while wearing this?), swords (like he also needs these for something?), weight scales (for weighing what I don't know), a wooden Tahitian man (which scares the shit out of me) and of course a computer, phone, fax and a suspended flat screen T.V.

Then there is the TALL mountains of papers, old pens, bottles of unopened champagne, old hockey sticks, a psychedelic stereo sound system and a ceiling constructed from a white shroud fabric. Very warm and homey atmosphere. Tell me something? Does this not sound like an ideal office space? I think it is. So WHY IS HE AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE? He claims the reason for this is that he's "lonely". I have offered to send visitors down to see him but he hasn't agreed to check that box off on the landlord/tenant regulation list.

When I arrive home after work, I find my husband seated amongst a flurry of unnecessary items all over THE DINING ROOM TABLE. Before kissing him HELLO, my first words are always the same "this really needs to be cleaned up". To which he replies "oh yes, I was just going to tidy up in a minute". Ya right. What ensues next is dinner preparation, dishes to clean and a phone call to my dear mother to say goodnight... then it's my favorite part of the evening.....changing into my house outfit (a.k.a...my pajamas). Once the clock hits 8 p.m. EST ...there is the proverbial question from Steve..."do we have anything to watch tonight"?

Now this is where it gets interesting. I could tell you (without a calendar) which day of the week it is by the shows that are aired that evening. For instance, Amazing Race - it has to be Sunday night. Survivor - it's a Wednesday. Greys Anatomy - for sure it's Thursday. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (Triple D) thank G-d it's Friday. And so on and so forth...

In the olden days....like two years ago...we had a VCR....we moved up in the tech world and upgraded to not one but TWO PVR's in the house...one of which is in front of our DINING ROOM TABLE. I had no problem figuring out how to use this piece of machinery with the exception of the remote control which constantly doesn't sync with the TV and Cable functions of the PVR. Each night when I go up to curl up in my "nest" I take the remote in my hand and press ONE button and the TV screen comes on BLACK and the PVR remains OFF. I press another button and the PVR comes ON and the TV goes OFF. I press it again and the TV comes on with no picture and the PVR stays ON.

What happened to watching TV with just a simple ON and OFF button? This opportunity no longer exists.

ENTER: STEVE

He grabs the remote and in one fell swoop presses two or three buttons (which he refuses to tell me how to do) and voila...the TV and PVR miraculously appear in unison.

What shocks me is this. My husband is handy with almost EVERYTHING. His business revolves around installing complicated security systems in commercial and residential buildings. He has to program these systems, connect them to camera's and external applications and ensure that they function to his satisfaction. Not an easy task but he knows his stuff. Why am I shocked? Let me take you back to 10 years ago when he arrived on my doorstep with his OLD VCR. He had the unit for at least 5 years. It was very easy to use but he had no idea that it had the capacity to record shows up to 2 weeks in advance. How did he not know this? The fact that I had to SHOW HIM what to do automatically promoted me to the top of the IT department in our home...until I was faced with the ominous presence of our possessed PHR (Personal Hellish Recorder). The PHR has a mind of it's own. It records what it wants to record, it doesn't record what you want it to record and it constantly warns us that there is conflict within itself. It basically needs therapy or better yet the ultimate solution...REPLACEMENT.

When it comes to the different array of TV shows to watch, we have similar tastes EXCEPT for the programs Steve watches while I'm doing "important" things on my iPad. The lineup of some of these shows  watched simultaneously while flipping goes like this:

WTFW (What The F'k Wrestling)








S.O.A. (Sons of Anarchy or what I refer to it as S.O.A.B. - Shit On A Bike)

STORAGE WARS -Steve has most of the items on this show in his D.O. (Downstairs Office)

HOARDERS, BURIED ALIVE (once again...Steve's items in his D.O.)

LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD (a show about individuals who are born small but think tall)

and then there are the OLD movies on the HIGHER channels (that feature the walking dead, zombies and creatures from another planet with odd gross things coming out of their mouths... a perfect visual for me to see before I go to sleep)

Luckily for me, I can convince Steve to watch the majority of "my" shows as well. There is only one he will not participate in viewing...he refuses to SAY YES TO THE DRESS.

Our Shows usually begin with Steve in control of the FF on the remote. There is a skill to Fast Forwarding commercials without actually running into the next segment of the show. This will hereby be referred to as PTFF. Perfecting the Fast Forward. It then becomes a competition (of course) with Steve always being in the lead with his PTFF skills. I have to say, you need concentration and a steady hand to accomplish the PFF.

The only way you could ever fail in Fast Forward School is by falling asleep while fast forwarding. This occurs on a nightly basis. If by chance I also happen to not be paying attention, we have missed the entire show and did not pass the course at FFS.

The digital clock on the PVR now says it's 10:01 p.m. - which means it's SNACK TIME. This is also the best part of my evening (aside from my house outfit). Each night, we make our way down to the kitchen to make a "snack". Our snack can consist of  savory or sweet - mostly sweet on my part. The snack will also dictate the type of R.E.M. (Rapid Eye Movement) I will have while sleeping. Scientifically speaking (even though I not a trained scientist but I think I might have a knack for knowing these things), my snack will set the stage for whether or not I toss, turn, sweat, scream in my sleep. walk around like the Zombie I just saw or not sleep at all. You would think by now I would have learned NOT to snack at bedtime, but it has become a nasty habit that I love and I can't break it. I've tried. I can't. Please also note that while walking up the stairs with my "snack" I need to take a bite of it to make sure that I like it.

What I eat and what Steve eats at this time of night tends to differ. I will have a "quiet" snack whereas Steve will undoubtedly choose "noisy" food just to aggravate me. This would include, chips, pretzels, popcorn or even certain types of fruits. Strawberries tend to be the most annoying due to their tiny seeds and the sound they make while Steve chews them with his hollow head. That has to be the reason why these foods have such tremendous sound impact in the room. His head must have large voids which create an echo space within it's cavity, thus creating a louder than normal crunching noise. I'm not saying that Steve is dumb or that he has a small brain...just space...lots of space. Oh, and grapes make the same noise. I have no idea why.

Once snack time has concluded and the room is once again conducive to actually HEARING the show we are watching the final curtain falls for Steve. The remote loosens from his hand, it falls onto the bed and I usually hear his theme song playing under the covers.....THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.

Bedtime Poem for Steve....

Now I lay me down to sleep

I didn't need to count those sheep

My lids got heavy and started to fall

But I can still hear noises from down the hall

I sense the small light on the PVR

and I wonder if I've locked my car

The cat just jumped on to the bed

She makes her way towards my head

I start to think about things to do

Check my alarm? My iPhone? Or maybe poo?

I'm wide awake now and turn my head

My wife is snoring and can wake the dead

I gently shake her but she's still making noise

I  head downstairs to hang with the boys

No one in sight, I start flipping through stations

Hmmmm...I think I have seen this show on many occasions

Next thing I know, it's almost 3

I move back upstairs but first I pee

The night is dark and I trip and fall

Did that wake anyone, I wonder if all?

It's time for bed and I'm really tired

but for some strange reason, I'm still feeling wired

No one is watching and I know that I'm able

 So I think I'll go sit at my dining room table.

WELCOME TO CAMP HAMPS - PART TWO (Let's go Glamping)

Moving on to day 4....a glorious day for doing absolutely nothing outside because it was rainy and cloudy. BUT then again....there was still THE LIST. It was a perfect time to start construction on the MAIN event for the next weekend. This project was a covert operation. No one knew about it except for my niece, nephew and husband. The theme of the Bachelorette (STAGETTE) party was CAMP MANDYLANE. In keeping with that, Uncle FEEVE was required to build a few things for the party.

Two main signs were constructed (stained a dark espresso brown and then painted by Little Miss Pregnant...uh...I mean Party).

For the area of the buffet table, a long tree branch was created to hold hanging lanterns and the letter M for MANDYLANE. We were not finished yet. Since there were Bridesmaids attending,there was a sunroom set up with a Mani-Pedi Area. This was a true exercise in "glamping" (glamourous camping).We set up a pseudo Santa's Workshop to create gift boxes for each of the guests. This is where I came into play in the arts and crafts program at CAMP HAMPS.

Here's another piece of history you didn't know about me. When I was in my 20's (about 10 years ago...NOT!)...I had my own gift basket business. Hated it....BUT I did have an artistic flair and these Stagette Gift boxes got my creative juices flowing again. Between the artwork, the painting, the drilling, the stickering and getting all the supplies for the gift boxes at TARGET....there was one more thing that had to be done on THE LIST.

My niece (pregnant or not pregnant) is obsessed with my mom's Apple Strudel. Of course there is no one on earth that can duplicate this recipe except for yours truly. Let's just say I've spent a lot of time watching over my mother's shoulder while she poured NON measured ingredients into a bowl and created a masterpiece which looked more like two TORAHS than Apple Strudels.

Here's something you need to know...making strudels in the Hamptons is very different from making strudels at home in Toronto.

Some of the issues include:

1. The eggs
2. The size of the eggs
3. The color of the eggs
4. The misleading information on the side of the egg carton
5. The brand of flour
6. The location of the utensils in the kitchen ( I can never find them)
7. The small child on the battery operated motorcycle driving through the kitchen waving and yelling Hiiiiiiiiii!!!
8. The Apples (There was nothing wrong with the apples. The purchaser of the apples (Steve) thought that the recipe called for 6 apples no matter what size, when it clearly called for 8 small apples OR 6 large ones. He returned with 6 small apples and stated that it was be fine as long as you spread them out.
9. Did I mention the eggs?
10. Here's where it gets sketchy...
THE MAIN UTENSIL FOR THE DOUGH
My niece has a state of the art kitchen, with state of the art equipment... with the exception of .......
THE ROLLING PIN.

The type of PIN I am accustomed to is one with two handles on either end. The type of PIN she presented me resembles A CHAIR LEG. Who uses a chair leg to roll out dough? Impossible. With all these challenges the end result looked like it fell out of the oven and onto the floor. BUT..you can't judge a strudel by its cover...it still tasted divine.

As we moved on to day 5 we hoped for a change in weather and our wish came true. The sun finally peaked through the clouds, the air was warm and we were ready to party in the pool. One of the things that Uncle Feeve is famous for...along with terrorizing crustaceans is his knack for having fun with kids. Please be advised, that if you are ever tempted to leave your children with Uncle Steve/Feeve they may be subjected to some "airborne" activities. Yes, you heard me right... AIRBORNE. Mr. G. squealed with delight as he was thrown from FEEVE to FATHER back and forth in the pool. When all was said and done, they tuckered the poor little guy out and naptime ensued. This gave us enough time to prepare for the next meal. It seems that when we are at CAMP HAMPS our motto is " we live to eat and not eat to live". Each meal is a unique creation (even when it involves disguising leftovers into an unrecognizable dish).

The menu for the evening included my nephew's famous DAY LONG SMOKED ribs (cooked on the Big Green Egg). I am really tempted to purchase one of these babies. The only issue..I'm leary about walking away from this thing while it is "smoking". My fear is that it will take off like a UFO along with the contents of our meal and there goes dinner. Mr. G.'s grandparents joined us for the afternoon and evening (and grandpa was the lucky recipient of a piece of strudel for the trip back to Long Island). Our stay was quickly coming to an end (I still had two full days left) but Steve and my nephew had to get back to work.

My nephew left on Sunday night and Steve prepared for another long journey VIA the two-wheeler the next day. Fast Forward to Monday morning. The clouds moved in once again. The temperature dropped significantly and it started to drizzle. A spectacular day for a motorcycle ride....especially an 11.5 hour trip. Uncle Feeve prepared his "wheels of steel" and packed his gear for the trip. I forgot to mention that when I came down I had 1/2 a suitcase to use because the majority of my husband's clothing were in the other half. This was probably one of the first times I had no choice but to deal with "sharing" my suitcase space. An extremely difficult task for me to accomplish.

First of all, I hate sharing (reminder of how I deal with popcorn at the movies?) I want to eat the largest bag without anybody touching it.

Secondly, I don't have enough room for my own stuff let alone someone elses. What I didn't know until I started packing to return home was that Steve had given me "extra" goods to pack. I was once again suffering from (O.S.S.) Overpacked Suitcase Syndrome. Getting back to Steve. He revved up the engines of his big red bike...donned his Snoopy googles..and drove away while Mr. G. ran after him yelling...Bye Feeve! Bye Feeve!!!!!!

So now we were alone. The grown men had left and we had a plan in place for my last two days. We need to talk about Gavin's rehab program that has been set into place for the past few months. You see, at the tender age of 2, he has become a Children's Show Junkie.

Among them are, Sesame Street (his favorite character is MELMO ...not sure why he added an M to Elmo's name), YO GABBA GABBA. WONDER PETS (of which he knows the words to the theme song) and FIREMAN SAM. These three shows come in handy when you need to have some quiet time. Not only for the adults but for patrons in restaurants as well. My niece restricts the amount of time Mr. G. is glued to the TV, Ipad or Iphone. On occasion it is a tough battle to close any of these devices and say "that's enough". Day 6 was one of those days. Both of us needed some "down time" so we put YO GABBA GABBA on for the Li'l guy to watch. The deal was...ONE episode and then Mommy gets to watch MADMEN. Great deal right? Has anyone ever watched this show? I decided to give it a try while feverishly Pinning stuff onto Pinterest. If you haven't already become a PINTEREST addict....DON'T DO IT ! It will consume your life and you will never create, cook, wear or do half of the things YOU have PINNED. I'm never giving it up by the way....and to be honest with you ...if I could PIN for a living I would.

To preface this next incident I want to make this perfectly clear..99.9 % of the time Mr. G. is an absolute ANGEL(but so was I as kid...wink wink).

Back to YO GABBA GABBA. This is the type of children's show that makes you want to poke yourself repeatedly in both eyes. It's loud. It's irritating. It's downright obnoxious. To keep our sanity in check we  turned to our computers. After giving in to two episodes, I overheard my niece state that his shows were now over and it was time to give Mommy a turn with the TV. This is when our peaceful afternoon took a turn down hells highway.

TERRIBLE TWOS: Definition -

A stage of development in which toddler behavior is a particular challenge.

Example: Alternately clingy, whiny, negative, fearful, and loud, their unpredictable behavior is epic, and it's often been written off as the Terrible Twos. (Somewhat similar to what I behave like when Steve flips on Hillbilly Hand Fishin and Swamp People)

"Epic" was the word of the day. What ensued after the YO GABBA disconnection was this....a full out tantrum with Mr. G. right up in my niece's face screaming YO GABBA GABBA! YO GABBA GABBA! YO GABBA GABBA! YO GABBA GABBA! YO GABBA GABBA! YO YO YO !!!

The interesting thing was....my niece kept her cool...held him close to her and WAITED. Once the YO GABBA GABBA'S turned into a softer version of wimpering she simply asked if he was DONE. She spoke to him calmly and explained that they had a "deal". The deal was ....Mommy needs to watch MADMEN and Mr. G. needs to find something else to do. Believe it or not....he settled for playing with his Auntie D. which in my opinion was a much better choice since we could now belt out the following song while Mommy watched her show...

*Wonder Pets!

Wonder Pets!

We're on our way

To help a friend

And save the day

We're not too big

And we're not too tough

But when we work together

We've got the right stuff

Gooooooo, Wonder Pets, ya'ay!

*(sidenote: I was still singing this tune in my head at the airport, during the flight, all the way home in the car and the next day at work until I stabbed myself with a pencil just so I would have something to distract me from the pain). Oh G-d...I'm singing it again.

Just a sec......we forgot about Steve. His goal on this journey back home was to make it back for an 8:30 p.m. baseball game. He plays catcher on his league and of course they can't do without him and he can't do without a game since he is looking forward to his predictable "next" injury. He drove through all elements of weather, cold, warm, wind, rain, hail, sun, clouds, humidity...it was a meteorologist's potpourri. As he approached his final destination he decided to stop "one more time" for gas. Frozen, wet, hungry and stiff...he forged onwards...THE TEAM NEEDED THEIR CATCHER!

Here's the chronological chain of events:
At 8:00 p.m. 13 players are expected to arrive
At 8:30 p.m. there were 6 players on the bench (legally they need 7 players for a game)
Steve was their 7th man
Steve stopped for gas (one more time)
Steve was 5 minutes late
Steve arrived at 8:35 p.m.
The game was forfeited due to lack of players

8:45 p.m. Steve went home to thaw out over a half chicken dinner from Swiss Chalet.

Moving on to Day 7: STARGAZING in the EAST HAMPTONS.

Each and every time I have been out to visit, we've never had the chance to drive to the Eastern portion of the Hamps. This is where you will find the homes of Jerry Seinfeld, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kelsey Grammer. As well as homes belonging to the cast members of The Real Housewives of New York (which I'm hooked on watching when not PINTERING). I was determined to see one of these real housewives when we went out to sightsee on Tuesday.

Our itinerary included a stop at the Children's Museum (which was closed Tuesdays), rerouting to a local park for some serious SeeSawing and then off to see if we could find the STARS...which we didn't because who is out in East Hampton during the week except for us? No one. We stopped at a local foodery called Sam's Bar and Grill where I had the BEST lobster roll sammie I have ever eaten in my life...and yes I had fries with it...ya that's right...fries and ketchup and loads of deliciousness (a treat to make up for the starless day).

DAY 8 -  My final day in the Hamps. As we were making breakfast, Mr. G. asked if I was leaving today. He looked at me with his big blue eyes and said "debi...Me going to miss you". As I melted into a puddle, I couldn't help but leave him with a lasting memory from our visit. A chalkboard drawing of Auntie D., his mommy and him. Please note the baby belly and the armless child. I was in a hurry to catch a plane.

I ended the trip the same way as it began - with another visit to McDonalds. I rarely eat this stuff but I'm going to blame this fast food foe on my niece who is a BAD influence while with child and the fact that Canadian franchises no longer have the ORANGE POP that GOES with my filet o fish...who could say NO to a meal deal? I can't even describe in words how much I love that little soft bun, the square piece of fake fried fish, the yummy, drippy, creamy tarter sauce and those fries OH GAWD those FRIES!

Now that you have actually made it to this part...which surprises me because this could very well be the world's longest blog post....I'm going to wind up with the last key notes from the journey home + the day after I arrived back in Toronto. Good news and Bad News....

THE BAD NEWS

• Held up the security line again with my granny grocery cart which refused to fold up
• started talking to random travellers who had similar blackberrys as mine...I wanted to see if they also had problems retaining their battery life...(this was only bad news for those folks that I approached so I'm putting this under this category)

• Boarded Air Canada Flight 712 - La Guardia to Toronto ON TIME (this is only in the bad news category because I don't like flying)
• My seatmate was a young lady who laughed out loud at the mini screen set into the seat in front of us for the entire flight.
• The flight attendant handed me free pretzels and I lost them. I have no idea where they went but later found them at the bottom of my broken "FOOIE".
• Landed in Toronto ON TIME (this sounds like good news but wait until the next bullet)
• They wouldn't let us OFF the plane.

WHY?

• A severe storm rolled through just after we landed and we were placed in an EMERGENCY RED ZONE with every single incoming flight in the entire world until the GATEKEEPERS could bring us in. *I could have flown to Europe in less time. 

 THE GOOD NEWS

Mike Holmes

I finally saw a "STAR" who was stuck in the plane with the rest of us... as I was reaching for my hot pink camera he saw me coming and quickly closed his eyes (similar to what Mr. G. did when he sent me on my way)....it seems that I have this effect on men lately.

Mr. G.

DAY 9: I get a call from my niece at my office...she was unsure but thinks there is a Star Sighting in a nice uptown restaurant in the City.



Ramona Singer of ....

at least they all had their eyes open.