The question remains....is it ever a "good" night for me? Especially on the first night in strange surroundings? I have my doubts. My fears were not unfounded. I tossed and turned and turned and tossed. When I finally fell asleep I thought I had been out all night but in reality I think I slept just a few hours. I could see the crack of dawn through my window, looked at my watch and saw that it was 5:29 a.m. Great. Now what?
Day 2 - It's time for Kertner's List. My niece had a few things that she needed done by Steve the Handyman in her new home.
The list was as follows:
- put up Plastic bag holder in the kitchen cupboard
- Fix Large planter in the front of the house
- Plant her tomatoes way too late in the season
- Hook up a new hose outside
- Oxy clean the outdoor furniture
- Put up a new fixture in the purple bedroom (this was one of the highlights of the list)
- buy a hammock and hook it up
- fix the broken lounge chair
- balance the antique table in the living area
- blow up a rubber duck for Mr. G's bath
- construct a Family Tree for an upcoming event
1. Open the box
2. Dump out box contents on the floor
3. Ignore instruction sheet because it looks simple enough and Steve has common sense.
4. Start placing together pieces that LOOK like they match
5. Empty all the nuts, bolts and screws on the floor and mix them around like scrabble pieces
6. Begin screwing
7. Undo screws
8. Look for screws that Steve thinks should be in the box
9. Look at instructions for a split second and then throw them on the floor with the screws.
10. Begin screwing again
11. Stop screwing
12. Throw a piece of the project that you were screwing
13. Look for a screw that has rolled under the couch
14. Continue screwing
15. Stand back to see if the project looks right
16. Turn it upside down
17. Check the box again for pieces that Steve "thinks" are missing
18. Look for the receipt
19. Call IKEA to let them know that something is missing
20. IKEA confirms that you are not missing anything
21. IKEA also suggests that you read the instructions
22. READ instructions and discover that nothing is missing but your ability to follow instructions.
23. Take apart project and start again
24. Follow step by step instructions until complete
25. Stand back in pride and marvel at your accomplishment
26. Wonder why there is still a single screw on the floor that you didn't use
27. Throw the single screw out because you think it's an "EXTRA"
My method is simpler:
Take out instructions. Read them. Screw it. Done.
Once all the arches were complete with flowers we moved the pieces into the "purple" room. Steve retrieved the tall ladder and I used the flower arches to perform a Las Vegas showgirl finale. He placed the ladder in the room and I was hired as his assistant. My role was to ensure that he didn't fall and break his neck. I was also expected to retrieve any old fixture parts that were falling from the ceiling. Naturally when Steve climbed the ladder he was about 5 inches from his comfort zone. As he teetered on the ladder I began putting together the WHAT IF ? list.
Here's the sequence of my thoughts:
Question -What if Steve loses his balance?
Answer - I will try to catch him?
Question - What if Steve loses his balance and falls backwards and I can't catch him?
Answer - I will need to administer FIRST AID for which I am highly trained
Question - What if Steve breaks a piece of his body?
Answer - I will call 911
Question - What if Steve falls, breaks his body and I am still in my bathing suit when EMS arrives?
Answer - I will ask EMS to just hang on a second while I shower
Question - What if Steve is unconcious and I have to give him CPR which I am also highly trained in?
Answer - I will administer CPR for 30 seconds and see if he starts breathing again and then take a shower.
Question: What if EMS arrives and I don't have time to shower and change? Do I accompany Steve in the ambulance in my new green bikini?
Answer: I will throw on my matching coverup to avoid being cold in the hospital.
Right in the middle of my day dreams Steve dropped a lightbulb from the ceiling sending it crashing into a million tiny little shards all over the floor. Once we cleaned it up and got back to business it didn't take more than a few more minutes to complete our two hour project. The results were truly spectacular. The light was magnificent.
My niece was overjoyed and we were relieved that the only casualty in the room was the broken light bulb.
For the next 3 days all we did was eat, play and loved being in the Hamptons. Target and K-Mart were the main choices for shopping excursions. I spotted a Walmart but my niece was in the store once and had to leave because she was seriously frightened by what she saw - apparantly The People Of Walmart really do exist.
Can anyone explain this ? I can't.
So I bet you're wondering....is there a PART 3 of the Witches of Quogue? What do you think? Of course there is....we have to get home don't we?