"Keep your eye on the ball", he would say. "Hold the club like this", he would demonstrate. "What's the matter with you"?, he would ask.
And so, I spent my days at the club in the pool swimming like a shark and in a dark elegant room playing pool like a shark. At that stage of my life golf was not in the cards for me but it didn't stop my father from carrying his clubs and balls around for exactly forty more years. He played like a pro until he was 91. The "golf gene" was clearly passed down to my children. When they were old enough to walk and talk my father introduced them to the JOY of GOLF. To put it mildly, they are golf crazy. Then again once you play with balls you are bound to be nuts.
CON - I see no significance in a game where the balls are so small
PRO & CON - Don't really love golf outfits but have managed to find some cute shorts and tops that are acceptable attire.
CON - I can't tolerate playing games with four people due to my low level patience meter and my Mrs. Giblon Syndrome.
CON - I don't like taking turns. Further to that, I prefer playing with myself ( uh, I mean playing by myself). Does this mean I am not a team player? No. I simply don't deal well with waiting.
CON - The 18th hole. What's with so many holes? What's wrong with playing just 9? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT!!? I believe that the front nine was invented by a woman and the back nine by a man. Women are more in tune with front holes and men...well....give a man a few extra holes to find and they will attempt to play them. It takes way too much time to play 18 holes. The term "golf widow" didn't come from a woman who was left behind by her husband for hours at a time....it came from the first woman who killed her husband for being AWAY from chores for hours at time.
PRO - Golf is guilt-free. It's a pleasure sport for both men and women. For men it means five hours away from it all. For us it means five hours to spend in the mall.
In order to "ease" my way back as a LPGA hopeful I have made a few cameo appearances at tournaments. Not as a player. Not as a spectator. I have come back to the tee box as a volunteer for charity events. My boss holds a tournament every year for Princess Margaret Hospital and the City runs the Mayors Golf Classic which takes place around a week afterwards.
In the past, I have been spotted on the following holes:
1. Vodka Shooters - 8
2. Vodka Shooters - 1
3. Water - 10
5. Popcorn - 5
6. Fruit - 6
As the sun set and dusk fell upon hole number 6
And the last of the golfers had no more new tricks
There lay two nauseous volunteers on the ground
Only flies and mosquitoes were making a sound
The volunteers searched for refuge but were left for dead
It's a good thing the blonde decided to use her head
Out came her thumb and waved it in the air
As a foursome of golfers were ready to share
Come Prancer, come Dancer, come Hither and Shmo
We hijacked their carts and were ready to go
We bid farewell to our fruit and leftover pits
and prayed that the overdose of fiber didn't give us the shits.
While I was back safe and sound at my desk, after completing my community volunteer hours, my husband was golfing with his baseball league team. The team is comprised of a bunch of pseudo Senior citizens with a zest for life and a multitude of internal joint injuries. As the saying goes...boys will be boys....and annually..... these guys will be idiots when they get together on a golf course and we're not there to supervise. Their actions are similar to a Frat House freak show, they initiate one player every year and get them to drink to the point of not being able to distinguish their clubs from their balls.
So as I am working hard to ensure that the constituents of our municipality are well taken care of... my phone rings. Recognizing the number on my call display, here's how the conversation goes:
"Hello", I answer hurriedly.
"Hi huh nee", says the slightly inebriated Steve.
"Hi,what's up"?, I ask.
"Hi huh nee", says the now more intoxicated Steve
"Steve, are you okay"?, I ask.
"Hi huh nee", the annoying voice on the other end of the line says.
"okay, dear...have a nice time with your friends and call me after you finish playing", I say.
"okaaaay...bye bye", he says.
He called me three times in the next 20 minutes trying to engage in the exact same conversation. When his number came up for the fourth time I let it cue into my voicemail. Here's the message he left me.
"Hi hun ee bunny.....(silence).... I'm having fun..(more silence)...FOOF it's hot out here..(even more silence)...okayah...( once again SILENCE).....later". CLICK.
And that is when I made a conscious decision. My husband obviously cannot be left unattended. So once again, I am taking up golf...whether I like it or not.